Books are little more than simple collections of words on paper, but history has shown they can amount to so much more. From imaginary worlds to recorded statistics, books are an integral part of our lives. But are they created equal? We’re told not to judge a book by it’s cover, but sometimes a book’s cover is just too ridiculous to ignore. Here are 12 examples of the most ridiculous books we’ve ever seen, and you can buy all of them today.
The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas
We spotted this book and thought, “No way.” Coloring books may not be books per se, but this one is closer than others! There are puzzle activities to go along with the illustrations, so you can enjoy all sorts of vaginas for hours on end. Although customers rate it highly on Amazon, we can’t help but think how ridiculous this book is — despite it’s categorization of erotica. Our favorite review: “In my mind, at least, my private parts have progressed from the drab Middle Ages to a Technicolor Age of Aquarius. Let the sunshine in.”
The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
So this book is actually pretty cute, if you think about it — we imagine wild herds of shopping carts grazing on parking lots. The author even went to the trouble of creating a classification system for abandoned shopping carts, accompanied by photographic documentation of actual stray cart sightings. This is another example of a highly rated book on this list, and although only 15 people have rated it, there’s nothing below four stars. Our favorite review: “As a certified straycartologist I applaud the effort to publicize this issue.”
Do-It-Yourself Coffins: For Pets and People
We’d like to say the weirdest thing about this book is its subject matter, but we can’t — it’s the people who read it and actually try to build their own coffins. DIY books can come in many odd flavors, but we had to include this one. Sure, people may want to craft a coffin for little Spot, but for ol’ Granny? Some folks may be interested in woodworking as a career — and really it’s the only normal way to see this — but apparently, the book sucks! “I have built one of the coffins following the directions in the book. Some measurements are missing, and some are not correct. This cost me in materials and time. Beware!”
How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men
We thought this was a joke, but we were sadly mistaken after reading the summary that described a book containing knowledge and tools necessary “for an Asian man to plan and to put into action the steps to successfully date a white woman.” Ratings were all over the board, but our favorite review bashed it’s uselessness: “I personally found the book lacking, in what I like to call “chutzpah”.”
How to Avoid Huge Ships
Another one that threw us for a loop, How to Avoid Huge Ships is just that — a book about how to avoid huge ships. So why would someone author a book like this? Apparently an old captain was “tired of running over fools in their pleasure boats, and wanted to educate those same fools in a futile effort to save their lives” and felt it was time to enlighten the world. It just seems like such an obvious thing though — we wonder if there are books about how not to get run over by a car?
The Original Road Kill Cookbook
This might seem like a parody of those overly-serious recipe books, but it doesn’t make this one any less ridiculous — because these recipes actually work. The author can cover it up with as much humor as he can muster, but it won’t change the fact that it’s a cookbook for that animal you’re scraping out of your wheel-well. Our favorite, and most terrifying, review: “I AM WRITING A FAMILY COOK BOOK AND THIS BOOK FITS IN REAL GREAT WITH SOME OF MY RECEIPES [sic].”
The Haunted Vagina
This ridiculous book is about a guy named Steve and his girlfriend, Stacy — who has a haunted vagina. Apparently it doesn’t bother Stacy, but Steve can’t get over the odd noises and zombies coming out of her vagina, so he crawls inside to check it out. We could go on, but we won’t. Bizarro Fiction is relatively new as far as literary genres go, and it’s clear that it can border on the ridiculous.
How to Shit in the Woods, Second Edition: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art
Another popular book by many customer reviewers, How to Shit in the Woods isn’t a joke, but it isn’t completely serious either. You’d think that relieving yourself in the woods is one of the most basic of instincts that a book on the subject becomes unnecessary, but no. The book mainly goes into a few tips on how to be cleaner about “going” in the woods, but it’s probably not worth your money or time. As one reviewer put it: “Perhaps it is intended to be used for wiping yourself after practicing some of the poorly described techniques within?”
Male Delivery: Reproduction, Effeminacy, and Pregnant Men in Early Modern Spain
This book could have gotten away with being only a little strange, had it not been for the last few words in the title — “in Early Modern Spain.” Come on, really? As if the subject matter isn’t already specific enough. You don’t see men getting pregnant every day, you know. It’s a shame there are no customer reviews on Amazon of the book, but one of the reviews from academia puts it perfectly: “There are no other books similar to it in the field.”
Zen of Farting
This book actually seems cute and funny, but that doesn’t keep it off of this list — it is ridiculous! When broken down to basics, a fart is just a fart — why bother gaining enlightenment through the act — just do it. You can reflect on it later, when you’re alone and if you’re into that sort of thing. Our favorite review: “When I was wee, I never imagined that I’d become not a fart connoisseur, but a connoisseur and consumer of fart books.”
How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?
How to Good-bye Depression is probably the most awesome and ridiculous book on the list. For one, the subtitle is great. If you’re expecting the typical approach to self-help, definitely look further — you’ll be clenching your butthole hundreds of times with this one. That’s fine though, since you’ll get laughs out of lines like, “Besides shooting out a big blank from your buttock, you can feel as if your root chakra leaked sweet hot mucus.” Oh sweet Engrish is this one fun.
Knitting With Dog Hair: Better A Sweater From A Dog You Know and Love Than From A Sheep You’ll Never Meet
Hobbies are fun, and what better way to spice up your knitting — and cleaning up your carpet — than with dog hair! This book is ridiculous, but people have actually crafted things from the instructions in this book. If you can’t imagine the outcome, just take a look at some of the ridiculous dog hair outerwear.