I’m no Nancy Grace, but my opinion is that murder is wrong. Sorry to be so controversial, but it’s true: I don’t think people should be murdering. And as long as we’re talking about things that are wrong, I think that spousal abuse, deceit, jealousy, infidelity, and casual misogyny are also wrong. Not as wrong as murder, sure, but still plenty wrong on their own. And they’re all very serious subjects, too. That’s why it’s strange that Lifetime Television for Women would take the real life, real awful story of Drew Peterson and turn it into one of the weirdest, most unintentionally hilarious movies I’ve seen in a while. Drew Peterson: Untouchable was like if The Room‘s Tommy Wiseau had had a bigger budget and a baker’s dozen of recognizable stars, and was asked to adapt one of the less interesting true-crime stories of 2009. Sure, it ended up being a two-hour Lifetime Original Movie, but let’s face it, this thing should’ve been split into 11-minute segments and aired on Adult Swim.
Drew Peterson: Untouchable tells the story of a blustery cop who MIGHT have murdered his fourth wife and PROBABLY killed his third wife. But since the real-life Drew Peterson hasn’t yet faced trial for either, this movie largely avoids saying outright that he did anything. So it’s mostly just Rob Lowe looking SUPER suspicious and acting like a turbo jerk to everybody. The whole thing was very weird.
So here are the 19 things that were the most ridiculous, hilarious, or awful about this movie. I’m not sure which is which.
1. Rob Lowe’s entire “performance”
Nevermind the $ 8 wig and the Shredded Wheat mustache, Rob Lowe’s face and voice were consistently ridiculous throughout the entire movie. His accent sounded like something out of those “Da Bears” sketches on SNL and it looked like his “chubbiness” was just a pillow stuck under his shirt. At no point did you ever forget it was Rob Lowe, but in a weird way that kind of worked for the movie? Apparently in real life Drew Peterson was an ordinary shlub who nonetheless got incredibly beautiful women to marry him, so maybe those women really saw him as Rob Lowe in a mustache.
2. Throwing a bowl of cereal
Dang, that cereal looked good, too.
3. Kaley Cuoco’s motorcyclin’ face
Rob Lowe wasn’t the only hilarious actor in this thing. The Big Bang Theory‘s Kaley Cuoco played Doomed Wife #4 and her performance here was somehow even broader than her usual sitcom gig. I really have no choice but to assume that all these actors were in on the joke. I mean, I really hope they were.
4. Good parenting
This happened within the first five minutes:
5. Nursing sensitivity
FYI, if you are a woman who makes a harmless reference to breastfeeding your newborn child, then you are definitely sleeping around.
6. Old-fashioned values
Also, according to Drew Peterson, women just need to be pregnant and hidden away, and he seemed straight-up baffled when his wife disagreed.
7. The very concerned neighbor
One of the movie’s main characters was the next door neighbor (hi, Danny from The Shield!), whose primary role was to openly disapprove of anything having to do with Drew. Fair enough! It’s just that she got REALLY involved and REALLY disapprove-y like it was her full-time job or something.
8. The hot dog situation
This is what’s known as a GOOD SAVE.
9. Funeral jealousy
A very classy thing to do is, when your wife’s sister dies, you should definitely accuse your wife of sleeping with the widower DURING THE FUNERAL.
Blink blink. Blink.
10. Attempted suicide shamin’
Also, when your brother attempts suicide, definitely show up at the hospital and ridicule him for botching the job and then call him a woman.
11. Typical marriage conversations
Again, that might SEEM like a scary and intense scene, but keep in mind Rob Lowe’s using the most ridiculous accent AND wearing that wig. To say things didn’t come off as dramatic as they were meant to be would be a wild understatement.
12. People skills
When your neighbor lady suspects you of murdering your wife, here’s a good way to throw her off the scent:
13. Keeping a low profile
Also, when the media’s outside your door, it’s probably best to just remain as discreet as possible.
14. Cool dudin’
However, if you MUST make a scene, then try to look as ludicrous as possible.
15. The garage incident
Here’s the scene that’ll haunt our daydreams for some time. It involves a stolen garage opener and one soon-to-be immortal catchphrase.
16. Media credibility
Throughout the two-hour runtime, actual clips of actual Drew Peterson coverage from 2009 were edited in, which had the odd effect of NOT making things more realistic, but actually making Matt Lauer, Anderson Cooper, Meredith Vieira, and Larry King all seem like they were having a goof right alongside Rob Lowe.
17. New fiancée awkwardness
The suspicious neighbor character REALLY shone when Drew Peterson got engaged to Fiancée #5 and had her move in.
18. One sexy strip search
There’s really no way to describe Drew Peterson’s arrest scene, but this about sums it up:
19. Setting up a sequel
Because the movie ended without any clear resolution in the murder of Wife #3 or the disappearance of Wife #4, we were instead left with a classic horror franchise device: the threat of a sequel!
You guys, I’m not gonna lie, this movie was not very good. What was YOUR favorite part?
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