Well, if you thought tonight’s American Horror Story was going to be a welcome respite from everything else happening in the world right now, you would be very wrong. You have also probably never seen American Horror Story before.
Pretty much everybody is dead now, and when we say that, we mean it. Lee is now officially the only survivor of Roanoke (as far as we know), and she is officially the last person we wanted to survive. First, she murdered her ex husband. Then, the crazy witch gave her a heart to eat and turned her into a butcher, sending her off to murder her own friends. So yeah, Lee’s bad news, and we’re pretty upset about the fact that she’s the last one standing.
In some better news, Taissa Farmiga and Jacob Artist made their debuts tonight. And then in more bad news, they died, and they died bad. Real bad. This season has officially made its way into torture porn territory, and we’re conflicted about it.
Farmiga and Artist, along with Jon Bass, played some kids who were big fans of My Roanoke Nightmare and had decided, like stupid idiots, to visit the house on a blood moon for the purposes of posting it on social media. This was, as we said, a stupid and idiotic thing to do. First, they found Sidney’s assistant, who was bleeding and confused, and then dead in her car, and then nowhere at all.
They called the police, but the police believed they were just doing some sort of stupid prank, so the kids got even stupider and went back to the house. This time, they ran into the newly butchery Lee, who butchered Jacob Artist.
Then, they found their way into the production trailer, where they very slowly figured out what was going on, thanks to the monitors.
Meanwhile, Dylan (Wes Bentley) arrived at the house and explained that he had been told by Sidney to get there at that time to shake things up. Audrey and Lee explained that everybody was dead, and hoped to god that he had a car.
Unfortunately, he had Ubered, and we got a quick but weirdly hilarious shot of him sitting in an Uber with the pig mask on. (The Uber gag has been so good. If only they got to use it more than twice…)
Dylan, Audrey, and Lee then headed back to the Polks’ place in order to get weapons, a car, and Monet (as well as Lee’s confession to killing her husband). Once there, they got the weapons, Monet, and the evidence, but Dylan was killed while trying to steal the car and Lee got left behind as Audrey and Monet made it back to the house.
While they watched the footage of Lee confessing to murder, Lee met the witch in the woods. After she killed Jacob Artist, she headed to the house, throwing Monet over a balcony and then pushing Audrey off of the cellar ladder to her presumed death at the bottom.
Elsewhere, the colonists caught up with the other two kids, and we don’t even want to talk about what they did to them. It involved a big stick and some fire, and we hated every minute of watching it happen onscreen. Just horrifying.
The next morning, the cops showed up to find almost everyone dead. They first recovered Lee, who freaked out and started screaming, before then finding Audrey. But then Audrey saw Lee, and pulled out a gun, and so all of the officers pulled out their guns and shot Audrey down, which means Lee is all we’ve got left in this mess.
In the promo for next week’s finale, Sarah Paulson returns as season two’s Lana Winters to interview “one of the most provocative and polarizing figures of our time.” To say we can’t wait for that would be an understatement!
American Horror Story: Roanoke airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.