Pupating larval mass Donald Trump will probably not be the next U.S. president, but he’s still the most powerful, most gorgeous, most brilliant, and (duh) wealthiest A-hole in the known universe. As such, he attracts only la crème de la Z-list crème for The Celebrity Apprentice, the reality TV odyssey over which he presides annually on NBC. Which washed-up celebs will next yank a weave or stab an eye while attempting to dodge Trump’s deadly cobra-strike dismissals in the board room? Let’s find out!

The Men

Talk show relic Arsenio Hall
Clay “Voice of an Angel” Aiken
Smartypants talk radio mainstay Adam Carolla
Super hero retiree Lou Ferrigno
Magician turned TV ubiquity Penn Jillette
Cross-dressing pioneer Dee Snider
Sassy S.S. Enterprise helmsman George Takei
Son of a racing legend Michael Andretti
Pioneering hog-stylist Paul Teutul, Sr.

The Women

Face of the ’80s Cheryl Tiegs
Gatoroid wrangler Debbie Gibson
Wayne’s World star Tia Carrere
Mass-murderer progeny Victoria Gotti
Foul-mouthed jungle fever-haver Lisa Lampanelli
Intergalactic beauty queen Dayana Mendoza
Someone named Aubrey O’Day
Star of The L Word and Mummy films (according to IMDb) Patricia Velásquez
Real Housewives of New Jersey guidette Teresa Giudice

Our Analysis

The Contenders:

Takei, Jillette, Lampanelli
These celebrities could take it all for their sheer smarts, political astuteness, and natural charm.

The Ones with the Most Entertainment Value:

Hall, Carolla
These two don’t really have a shot at winning it all, but should offer some choice confrontations and snappy comebacks.

The Probable Train Wrecks:

Giuduce, Snider
These celebrities will provide a bounty of can’t-look-yet-can’t-look-away moments.

The Ones Whose Fellow Contestants Should Sleep with One Eye Open:

Aiken, Gotti
These celebrities will have you killed in your sleep.

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