Last week we brought you a goofy gallery of “Great Character Actors and Their Unlikely Action Figures, Vol. 1.” And you all know what comes after Volume 1, right? Right.
Plus this volume is all ladies. For future volumes, I’ll just mash the genders together, but since there were no female movie toys in volume one, it only seems right to give the plastic femininity its fair moment in the sun. But just a moment, because sunlight melts plastic.
Heather Graham — Lost in Space — Unless there’s a From Hell or (ooh) a Boogie Nights action figure, this is probably the only Heather Graham toy you’ll ever see. (Actually, no. She does have an Austin Powers action figure.) The adorable little blonde toy does seem to come with an awful lot of accessories, plus a yellow sidekick of some variety. Then again, Ms. Graham does play a doctor in this film, so that’s cool. And funny. (crickets) I haven’t seen this stinker of a movie in 15 years. Let’s move on.
Laura Linney — Congo — No snark here. Laura Linney is a fantastic actor. It’s just a little funny to see the woman from The Truman Show, Mystic River, and Kinsey wrapped in plastic and placed in front of a giant monkey face. Looks like Dr. Karen Ross comes with a large gun and a petri dish of some sort, but if you want some real fun, get the new Hulk action figure and re-enact Kenneth Lonergan’s You Can Count On Me on your coffee table. (You’ll also need a Matthew Broderick action figure. Try Inspector Gadget.)
Julianne Moore — The Lost World: Jurassic Park — She has played bowling goddesses, porno stars, FBI agents, and a wide variety of wives, mothers, sisters, and heroes … but this is Julianne Moore at her most action-y! Her Sarah Harding action figure comes with a net launcher AND a stegosaurus. Granted, it’s a baby stegosaurus, but hey, action figures are like eight inches tall. And with all due respect to a strong, smart, beautiful woman … those shorts she’s wearing are just awful.
Talia Shire — Rocky — I love that it’s not the wealthy Adrian from Rocky 3, but the super-frumpy Adrian from the original Rocky. Seriously. One of the best (and most overlooked) aspects of the original Rocky is the tentative romance between a stupid lug and a painfully shy pet store clerk, and this action figure actually does capture some of the character’s old-school charm. Adrian might want to run that coat through the dryer a few times, though. I know Philly can get cold, but you could fit two Talia Shires in that gigantic thing.
Winona Ryder — Alien Resurrection — Interesting thing about this action figure is that it actually gives a better acting performance than the actor herself. (Boo! Hiss!) Not sure why this toy looks like she’s about to start pop-lock break-dancing at any second, but she does come with a cool rifle and a red alien snake. And since when are face-huggers three times the size of the human head?
Kirsten Dunst — Spider-Man — Nice dress! Perhaps a little too much leg for an action figure, but whatever. Also I’m sure Ms. Dunst is thrilled that her action figure comes complete with a collapsible balcony. Re-enact her helplessness for all eternity! Winona gets a laser, Julianne gets a net-shooter, Laura gets a rifle… and Kirsten gets defective masonry.
Helena Bonham-Carter — Planet of the Apes — Suffice to say that this action figure doesn’t capture this woman’s facial beauty, but Ari does come with a nifty green flag and a really comfortable-looking khaki ensemble. How cool would it be to re-enact a battle between Ari and some of Ms. Bonham-Carter’s other characters? Ape Woman vs. Chain-Smoking Marla!
Sigourney Weaver — Aliens — Despite her outspoken opinions on gun control (she is staunchly for it), Sigourney Weaver’s Aliens action figure comes with a rather impressive “turbo torch” alien-melter. The actor/producer would make up for this aggressiveness in Alien Resurrection, which is where she hugs and comforts the interstellar monsters. Yes, seriously. Jokes aside, however, Ellen Ripley, is arguably the badass-iest female action hero in cinematic history, so let’s show a little respect for this weirdly-attired but cool little action figure.
Nancy Allen — Robocop — This may be my favorite of the batch, mainly because I’ve always admired Nancy Allen’s performances, plus look how damn goofy this thing is! Forget the silliness of creating toys for a hard-R action flick, but what the heck is “Ultra Police”? In the film, Ms. Allen’s police officer Lewis was an essential dose of humanity, humor, and sidekick-style helpfulness. Here she looks a little like a blue fire hydrant, although she does come with a goofy set of armor and a crossbow that shoots paper caps. You won’t get that from any action figures based on Brian De Palma’s Nancy Allen.
Kim Hunter — Planet of the Apes — I had to close on a retro pick, plus this one is somehow even cooler than the Helena Bonham-Carter ape-lady from the goofball remake. This was produced back in the early 1970s, when a feature like “fully poseable” was a big deal for toy collectors. Kinda like “scene selections” were pretty cool when you bought your first DVD player. A fine actor in both television and film, Kim Hunter was a lot prettier when she wasn’t a monkey; she was “Stelllla!” from Streetcar, after all.
Coming soon! David Lynch, Henry Silva, and Dustin Hoffman in Volume 3!
Got any crazy action figure tips? Throw me your suggestions on Twitter. P.S. Follow @moviesdotcomwhile you’re at it! Thanks again to FigureRealm.com and Entertainment Earth.