Spike Jonze’s Her (in wide release this weekend) examines a powerful romance between a man and a computer program. While we can all probably relate to falling in love with our smartphones, it is not a very good idea in the long run. These unnatural romances never work out the way you’d want. Here are 10 others you should watch out for.
Genetically Modified Hot Alien Ladies – Species
If a really pretty lady walks up to you in a bar, practically demanding you sleep with her, you might want to slow your roll a bit. She could be, nay, she in all likelihood is an alien dead set on taking your seed and murdering you afterwards. It may seem worth it, but unless your life is really lonely, it’s probably not.
Genetically Modified Hot Test Tube Babies – Splice
First of all, if you created a new creature by splicing you and your significant other’s DNA, that is not just cheating but incestuous cheating to boot. So you’re off to a bad start already. Furthermore, you have no idea what this creature is capable of. For all you know, it could suddenly change sex and ruin everything.
Real Dolls – Lars and the Real Girl
The sex-toy industry has gotten really good at making dolls that resemble real ladies. It may be tempting to just give up dating altogether and hook up with one of these plastic replacements. That might be fun for awhile, but eventually the lack of human companionship will change you into a full-fledged weirdo no one wants to deal with.
Magically Backward-Aging Hunks – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
This may look good for a while as you know you’ll be getting an increasingly studly fella as your life together progresses, but with time you will come to regret this decision, particularly when you’re about to die of old age, yet have to take care of an infant. It’s hard enough cleaning up after a guy when he’s not wearing diapers.
Gigantic Gorillas – King Kong
While it’s true that very little separates humans from apes, the gap is still too big to make a romance work. This is especially true when the ape in question is taller than a house and spent his whole life fighting off dinosaurs. When he’s not threatening to bite your head off, he’s accidentally dropping you down ravines or crushing you in his hand.
Unfinished Mechanical Goth Guys – Edward Scissorhands
How heartbreaking is it that the guy you fall in love with can’t touch you because his hands are made of scissors? Heartbreaking enough that you almost want to ignore the fact that his hands are made of scissors. He can cut your dog’s hair, and he’s fun to take shopping, but the physical love you share would be difficult to navigate without accidentally cutting something off.
Hunky Teenage Vampires – Twilight
Just because this whole thing worked out well for Bella and Edward doesn’t mean you’ll be so lucky. Theirs was a hard-won romance that almost killed everyone around them. And, not to be blunt, but no one should compare themselves favorably with Bella Swan, the strongest, most beautiful sour-faced girl in all teen fiction. She’s clearly operating at a higher romance level than any of us could rightly expect.
Magically Aged Children – Big
Sometimes it’s fun to live the fun and carefree life of a child, so the appeal of dating one is easy to understand. Nevertheless, this dating tactic is ill-advised. Not only do children have serious commitment and maturity issues, but you’ll have to spend all your intimate time teaching lessons instead of having the fun and carefree experience you got into the whole situation for in the first place.
Crass Intergalactic Ducks – Howard the Duck
It’s hard to say whether all alien ducks are like this or if Howard is just special, but this little guy has a lot of charm to go with his totally radical attitude. He may win your heart, but he’s also apt to leave you at the drop of a hat. It’s that rock-and-roll lifestyle. Even if you find a more mild-mannered duck, it’s still a duck. They are very difficult to kiss.
Dead People – Ghost
Your love with someone can be so strong that they stick around and even learn to touch objects just to stay connected with you. But eventually, that white light will be too much for them to resist. This gradual distancing works both ways, too. Before long, you’ll find yourself drawn to people with pulses who can’t spy on you whenever they please or walk through windows whenever they’re about to lose an argument.
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