This weekend, a number of you will spend your money to see a movie called ‘Final Destination 5.’ As with the deaths portrayed in the ‘Final Destination’ series of films, nothing can prevent this from happening. Also, it’s mid-August, which means that the better movies are taking a break for a while. They’ll be back! We promise! But not this weekend. This weekend, you get ‘Final Destination 5.’ As a service, we answer every question that you could possibly have about ‘Final Destination 5.’
Q: So … how have things been going for you so far at Moviefone?
A: Things were going swell … that is, until I was forced to see ‘Final Destination 5.’
Q: Why were you forced to see ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: Because my editor, who decided that I can’t write this piece about ’30 Minutes or Less,’ is being an as*hole.
Q: Does this mean that you did not enjoy ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: It’s nowhere near the worst movie that I’ve ever seen (and, for its very specific genre, it may even be considered serviceable), but it may have been the most excruciating 92 minutes of my life.
Q: Wait, isn’t your editor going to read this piece?
A: You see, this is just an exercise in venting that my therapist suggested after I see bad movies. I’m certainly not stupid enough to turn in a piece in which I refer to my editor as an as*hole. I have this piece saved as “Destination 5.” The actual piece I’m submitting is saved as “Destination_5″ — so there is absolutely no way I will get these two files confused.
Q: Why was it excruciating?
A: Well, for one, for the rest of my life, I will never be able to get the images of “death by LASIK surgery” out of my head. (Not to even mention the acupuncture scene.)
Q: What’s the best movie ever made that features a character who dies during LASIK surgery?
A: ‘Final Destination 5.’
Q: What’s the worst movie ever made that features a character who dies during LASIK surgery?
A: ‘Final Destination 5.’
Q: Will AOL compensate you for emotional damage you have sustained by watching ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: The lawyers are still sorting that out.
Q: If I have never seen a ‘Final Destination’ movie, will I understand what’s going on in ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: For the love of God, why would you do such a thing? Why now? You’ve made it this far in life without seeing a ‘Final Destination’ film, what would ever posses you to start now?
Q: How intelligent do I have to be to understand ‘Final Destination 5.’
A: If you can read at a 4th-grade level, you will understand what is going on in ‘Final Destination 5.’
Q: At what grade level do I need to read to be able to understand this piece about ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: Second grade.
Q: What’s the plot of ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: It’s the same as ‘Final Destination,’ ‘Final Destination 2,’ ‘Final Destination 3, ‘The Final Destination’ and, whenever it’s released, ‘Final Destination 6′ (or ‘Final Destination Rises,’ or whatever it’s going to be called).
Q: What is the disaster avoided in ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: On the way to a corporate retreat, Sam (Nicholas D’Agosto) has a premonition of a bridge collapse in which most of his coworkers will perish. After the premonition, Sam saves a good number of his coworkers.
Q: Premonition about a bridge collapse? Oh, is this the movie with the ChapStick?
A: No, you’re thinking of ‘The Mothman Prophecies.’
Q: Is Sam crowned a hero for saving lives?
A: No. In fact, the police seem to think that he’s involved somehow because of his prior knowledge of the bridge collapse.
Q: What is a sample line of dialogue from ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: “It’s not fat; they’re called t*ts.”
Q: How hilarious is David Koechner in ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: Not really hilarious at all. In fact, his premonition death — as seen in the trailers, “death by hot tar” — is the most gruesome.
Q: When David Koechner gets hit by the hot tar, does he say “Whammy!”?
Q: Do the characters in ‘Final Destination 5′ mourn the loss of their friends?
A: It actually becomes laughable how unaffected the surviving characters are by the gruesome deaths of their friends and colleagues. A character will die and, minutes later, another will celebrate a minor life victory. Or Sam will lament about his awful work situation.
Q: What is Sam’s awful work situation?
A: Sam wants to be a chef and was offered an internship in Paris.
Q: Wait, Paris? How is that terrible?
A: Apparently for no other reason than that it is far away.
Q: Are you saying that ‘Final Destination 5′ is terrible?
A: I’m saying that if you like this type of movie, you’re probably going to like ‘Final Destination 5′ just fine. I think.
Q: What’s the best thing about ‘Final Destination 5’?
A: There is an interesting tie-in with the original film that I think fans of this series will enjoy.
Q: With what three movies does ‘Final Destination 5′ surprisingly have something in common?
A: ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,’ ‘Mallrats’ and ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.’
Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s commercials for ‘Final Destination 5,’ what quote do you think will be used?
A: “If you liked ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly’, you’ll love ‘Final Destination 5′” – Mike Ryan, Moviefone
You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.
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