love in the wild jess derek Love in the Wild: Topless massage and punching horsesWe’re down to seven couples – the time is just flying by on “Love in the Wild.” What drama will we have tonight?

Thanks for all the kind words on last week’s recap. Everybody got their wine ready? Let’s go!

The Awkward Post-Ceremony Move of Shame

The couples come back to the cabins and have to do the pack of shame as they move on to their new partners. Erica and Steele “feel bad” about Kym getting let go, but you can tell they’re only saying that for the camera and they are totally gonna do it tonight.

Glad to see Miles and Heather back together, they seem like an actual couple, like Mike and Samantha. Meanwhile, Derek is telling Skip, Theresa and Jessica about how he thought about poaching Samantha. His partner Jessica is like, “I’m right here!” He’s like, “It’s not like we can’t circle back.”

Oh, OK, so let me get this straight. You wanna try things out with Samantha and then if you fail to nail her steal her heart you wanna come pound on my window at 4 a.m.? Sounds great. Mark me down for a yes.

He then kind of preens that if he had picked Samantha, Mike would’ve gone home. Theresa tattles to Mike and Sam, so Mike has to go mark his territory. He doesn’t actually pee on Samantha, but he does act like taking her on a picnic is like the most effing romantic thing anyone has EVER done in the history of the world, which – dude. Reel it in a little.

At the Sterica cabin, they totally have a “make out sesh.” His words, not mine. I would’ve had at least hand job in the pool, so I guess I lose.

Happy Birthday, I Spit In Your Food

Abusive Ben brings Brandee breakfast in bed because it’s her birthday. You know, Brandee looks a lot like Rachel Hunter. I find her so pretty, but she needs to wake up and smell the abuser. This is so dysfunctional.

Meanwhile, Jason brings Jess flowers that he picked and she kinda freaks out about it. Also, is she 12 years old? In her PJs with her hair in a ponytail, she looks like she should be at a slumber party learning the “Baby, Baby” dance.

Challenge

There are maps on rope ladders to a second map with a more challenging task and then the end of the adventure – could you vague that up a bit, Darren? Steele the brain trust runs right past the rope ladder looking for a real ladder. Oh my god. Thank the lord he’s pretty, I guess, because what else does he has going on? Not a damn thing.

Jason won’t stop talking, which is what drove … his other partner nuts. Who was he with? Erica? I cannot remember because some of these people really blur together week to week.

Brandee talking-heads that Ben is “so competitive” that she feels pressure to “perform perfectly.” The “or he’ll backhand me” is left unspoken, but we know, Brandee. *whispers* We know.

Turns out the ladder is to climb into a cave, find a stone idol and then climb up another ladder beside a waterfall. Oh, that is cool as hell. Most of the people are rightly psyched. Steele laments that something has gone wrong on every adventure for him. Um. Are you sensing a pattern? No matter what the task or who your partner is, you struggle. So mayyyyybe you are the problem. 

After the cave, they do a pointless horse ride where only one rides and the other one leads, then they dash into town to the finish line. The horse ride is predictably snoozapalooza. Seriously, they should’ve given them two horses per couple and really let them ride. That would’ve been comic gold right there.

Jason has some trouble with his horse and says, “If you could punch horses, I’d punch the horse. I would. It needed a punching.” Apparently Jason is not familiar with “Conan the Barbarian.” Horse, camel, same thing. Then Jason and Jess actually lose their horse. It was probably sick of Jason’s incessant chatter.

They get their horse back, but Jess tells Jason she’s just not that into him. Seems to be a common problem with Jason.

Jess/Derek finish first again – think he’ll be a jerk and poach Samantha? I bet he does. The rest go Ben/Brandee, Miles/Heather, Mike/Samantha, Jason/Jessica, Skip/Theresa (who ARE they? They get like 5 seconds of screentime every week) and finally Steele/Erica. The Sterica has schemed to get another couple to pick them so they are safe this week because they actually like each other. Heh.

Pre-Ceremony

Samantha and Mike are worried about Derek stealing her. Meanwhile, Derek and Jess are at the Oasis and Jess kind of pathetically admits she has a crush on him. Um, he basically said he’s throw you over for another girl. Have some self-respect, Jess!

Jason is having a little tantrum all over the place because he keeps getting rejected. Dude, sometimes that’s the way it goes. You can’t force it. He cries a little, oh my god! Poor guy. He’s “lost in the sauce,” as Jess says.

Meanwhile, back at the Oasis Jess/Derek are hot-tubbing with champagne and then it’s massage time. Derek insists she go shirtless and she does. Side boob! Wooooooo. And then afterward, she doesn’t put her shirt back on and then they start fooling around. Sex-ay.

Sterica are scheming to get little Jess to pick Steele and Ben to pick Erica, just so they can stay there and get back together. Devious.

In the morning, nobody seems to know what is happening at the Couples Choice Ceremony, but at least Derek and Jess can relax and fish first. It’s … kind of a weird reward. They have to row a kayak that is not really meant for two people. That does not seem as nice as some of the other ones.

Erica starts making her Ben move, talking about his layers that need peeling and he says she’s intriguing. Wow, is she laying it on thick and Ben seems to be lapping it up. Hee! I hope this works. Also ’cause Brandee needs an intervention.

But Heather tips Brandee off and she goes to Ben, crying a little and talking about how there’s nobody she’d rather spend time with and he just “gets” her. OH MY GOD, LADY!

Mike/Sam are on pins and needles about Derek. Man, after a topless make-out session, would he really throw Jess over for Samantha, who is clearly in a happy couple? What a d*** move.

Couples Choice Ceremony

Oh the suspense. So it’s ladies’ choice first this week and Jess wants to stay with Derek. Luckily, Derek chooses not to be a jerk (which would’ve been awesome, TV-wise) and agrees. Brandee and Ben also agree to stick together.

Heather and Miles also stay together and so do Mike and Samantha. Finally we get some interesting things with Jess choosing not to stay with Jason and asking Steele, who of course says yes SAYS NO. Wow, that was awesome.

Jason then asks Theresa to be his partner and she says no. Theresa and Skip stay together and so do Erica and Steele. Wow, they really averted disaster. Hilarious.

Buh bye, weird annoying Jason and 12-year-old Jess.

Next week: A couples shake-up and an ambulance! Exxxxcellent.

Photo/Video credit: NBC

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