This year’s winners!
Most Extreme Role Adjustment
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Kristen Stewart, “Breaking Dawn, Part 2” And “On The Road” The epic variance of these roles cannot be understated. Stewart went from playing the sweet, naive Bella (hesitant to kiss) to playing the sexually rebellious Marylou (multiple sexual partners) — literally a cinematic leap for the young actress.
Best Singing by Men (Ensemble)
<strong>WINNER:</strong> “The Hobbit” Dwarves You’d think “Les Miserables” would win this award, but nope! The short-stature guys from “The Hobbit” harmonized perfectly, and they have such wonderful hair braids. Can’t ignore those. <strong>Honorable Mention:</strong> The Treble Makers from “Pitch Perfect”
Most Creative Use of Dairy Products
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Charlize Theron, “Snow White And The Huntsman” We don’t know about you, but when we bathe in milk, we never look this good.
Most Appealing Skintight Ensemble
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Scarlett Johansson, “The Avengers” The competition is a bit slim this year, but was there ever any doubt who would win this after watching ScarJo as Black Widow? <strong>Honorable Mentions:</strong> Anne Hathaway in “The Dark Knight Rises” and Jennifer Lawrence in “The Hunger Games”
Movie Most Likely To Become Nostalgia
<strong>WINNER:</strong> “The Perks Of Being A Wallflower” It may not have had a huge audience upon its (fairly limited) release, but critical response has been mostly favorable. Watching this movie as someone over 25 triggers feelings of inadequacy long dormant — emotions that future teens and young adults will identify with eagerly.
The Hi/Low Award
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook” And “The House At The End Of The Street” It’s an unenviable position: receiving multiple award nominations for one movie, and then being absolutely panned for another. Somehow, Jennifer Lawrence manages to make the most of it.
Most Against-Type Performance
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Jack Black, “Bernie” The guy can sing, the guy can be serious, the guy can be funny, and hell, in his own way, he can even dance. Jack Black’s performance in “Bernie” is nothing short of remarkable; those who despise him might want to give this a watch — it’ll alter your opinion.
Most in Need of a Hit in 2013
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Taylor Kitsch, “John Carter,” “Battleship,” “Savages” A rare feat in the acting world, Kitsch had <em>three</em> stinkers at the box office last year. This is a real shame, since he’s a fine actor. We suppose that sometimes the vehicle does matter.
Most Jaw-Dropping Effects
<strong>WINNER (tie):</strong> “Prometheus,” “Life Of Pi” The only way to win this award is to make jaws literally drop with special effects. Both of these movies did that with ease. It was tough to breathe during the ship activation sequence in “Prometheus” and the jellyfish scene in “Life of Pi.” Equally stunning.
Most Deliberate Use of On-Screen Nudity
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Quentin Tarantino, “Django Unchained” (Jamie Foxx) We don’t want to reveal anything if you haven’t seen the movie yet, but Tarantino gets very inventive with a particular camera angle when Django (Jamie Foxx) is hanging upside-down by his ankles. Let’s just say we see <em>everything</em>.
Best Performances by Nostrils in a Feature-Length Film
<strong>WINNER (tie):</strong> Russell Crowe, Anne Hathaway, and Hugh Jackman for “Les Miserables” Director Tom Hooper mastered the up-nostril shot for “Les Mis.” We got so close to Jackman’s nostrils at certain points we could count the nose hairs. Not even joking.
Most Bad-Ass Movie Vehicle
<strong>WINNER:</strong> The Bat Bike, “The Dark Knight Rises” Aside from looking awesome aesthetically, when this thing flipped its wheels sideways and did a complete 180-degree turn, no one in the theater could breathe. Cooler than cool.
Best Aging Action Hero
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Jean-Claude Van Damme, “The Expendables 2” In a year featuring several aging action stars returning to the big screen, this was a tough one. But JCVD as the villain is both laughable and amazing — and commendable because he’s still kicking ass and taking names. He’s not just phoning it in, folks.
Movie That Most Blew Away Audience Expectations
<strong>WINNER:</strong> “Chronicle” We see superhero movie after superhero movie and it’s the same thing repeating itself. “Chronicle” was such a treat because it didn’t ascribe to the usual superhero movie pitfalls: the down-and-out hero making good in the world, the hero getting the girl at the end, etc., etc. This took the genre and told us an honest tale about what humans would <em>really</em> do with superpowers.
Most Feel-Good Movie of the Year
<strong>WINNER:</strong> “Pitch Perfect” OK, it’s completely ridiculous to insinuate that a capella groups are cool, but if we sidestep into that parallel universe, this movie made us smile and laugh despite its predictability. Also, Rebel Wilson? More, please.
Most Ridiculous Waste Of Makeup
<strong>WINNER:</strong> “Cloud Atlas” Here’s a thought: HIRE. DIFFERENT. ACTORS. Just take a look at Hugo Weaving in that still.
Most Confusing Opening Sequence
<strong>WINNER:</strong> “Skyfall” What exactly happened there? From what we could see, Bond was shot, and then he fell into the ocean where he presumably drowned. Then he was rescued by mermaids, and suddenly healed — enough to end up a drunken gambler somewhere in Asia. Still doesn’t make sense.
Worst Use of a Literary Figure
<strong>WINNER:</strong> John Cusack, “The Raven” Nevermore! John Cusack playing Edgar Allen Poe — it was never meant to be. A boring story didn’t help the actor out either, though he does know how to rock an ascot.
Sexiest Ab Shot
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Matthew McConaughey, “Magic Mike” There were <em>so many</em> abs to choose from in this stripper-with-a-heart-of-gold movie from Steven Soderbergh. In the end, it made sense to go with the original shirtless hero, Mr. Matthew McConaughey, because he’s just — you guessed it — L-I-V-I-N.
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Liam Neeson, “The Grey” (for not fighting and punching wolves like the trailer alluded to) We wanted to see this. Hell, we were <em>expecting</em> it. Unfortunately, some misleading marketing lead everyone astray. One day, a film about Liam Neeson wolf-punchin’ will be made. One day….
Worst Use of a Floppy Hat
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Sylvester Stallone, “Expendables 2” Oh, man, Sly, what are you doing? If you’re going to wear a hat, at least go the Terry Crews route and rock a knit-cap.
Best Chest Hair Exposure
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Ben Affleck, “Argo” The chest hair is great, but bonus points go to Affleck for rocking the full ’70s mane and beard.
<strong>WINNER:</strong> Mark Ruffalo, “The Hulk” No explanation needed.