The Expendables franchise is all about assembling as many tough guys as possible, putting them in the same room, and watching them bounce off each other. During the course of three films, these assembled action heroes kill countless bad guys in countless ways and make it all look effortless.
Look, a movie can make anyone look like a trained killer. It’s all about camera tricks and posture. But looking over the lineup of people in The Expendables 3 raises a very important question: which of this group could actually kill the rest? Sure, it’s grim, but let’s face it: everyone wants to know which of these people would win in a fight.
So here it is: the official and 100% accurate ranking of The Expendables 3 cast from least deadly to deadliest.
15. Kellan Lutz
Sure, Kellan Lutz may be attractive and muscular and seemingly chiseled out of stone, but he also appeared in all five Twilight films. That would move anyone to the very bottom of this list. Sorry, Mr. Lutz. Come see us after you’ve drank some whiskey and put some hair on those abs.
14. Kelsey Grammer
If given the opportunity, we’d totally hang out with Kelsey Grammer and bombard him with all of our Fraiser-related questions. But we’d especially hang out with him because we’re completely certain he wouldn’t harm a hair on our heads. Would he criticize our grammar and hurt our feelings? Hell yes! But rearrange our faces? Nah.
13. Antonio Banderas
Although he’s played his fair share of action heroes in the movies, Antonio Banderas really seems like a big sweetheart. We’d be more afraid of him seducing us than killing us if we ran into him in a dark alley. Although he’s entirely capable of stabbing us to death if pushed into a corner (Zorro training!), he seems more adept at ordering the best wine at the coziest restaurant in any given city.
12. Dolph Lundgren
Yeah, Dolph Lundgren may have killed Apollo Creed, but it’s hard to imagine the real guy actually killing people. This guy is a freaking’ scientist after all. Seriously. He has a master’s degree in chemical engineering. He’s a big ‘ol nerd. Plus, there are the stories of him getting upset on the set of The Expendables because Sylvester Stallone made fun of him. We don’t fear Dolph: we want to hug him.
11. Terry Crews
Have you seen Terry Crews without his shirt? The man’s built like the Incredible Hulk. Based purely on physical appearance, he looks capable of punching a hole through a steel wall. But considering his involvement in wacky Old Spice commercials and goofing off with the Muppets, he seems more likely to break into song and buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks than hurt anyone. However, we imagine he could generate some serious hurt if put in the right circumstances.
10. Jason Statham
He plays tough guys in the movies, but could Jason Statham actually pull the trigger/break the neck/etc. in the real world? That’s the big question. Statham’s public tough-guy image is certainly impressive and we wouldn’t want to piss him off, but we have no idea if he’s capable of hanging with the really big dogs on this list. Still, that sense of mystery is powerful — no one wants to mess the guy who could maybe kill them.
9. Wesley Snipes
Although Wesley Snipes is a trained martial artist who has been fake-killing people professionally for years, he’s in the Jason Statham camp of being a bit of an enigma when it come to his real-life deadliness. The stories of him being a spoiled prima donna on the set of the Blade films hurt his image as a tough guy, but he did recently spend three years in prison, which must have toughened him up. Then again, that prison sentence was for tax evasion, which is the lamest crime of them all. Hmm…
8. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Once upon a time, the Austrian Oak would have had a shot at the top of this list. Eighties Arnold Schwarzenegger still seems downright unstoppable, a walking tank that has no business not being a comic book character. But the years haven’t been too kind to the man who was the Terminator. After all of those years in political office, Arnie is showing his age. He’s in incredible shape, but he’s no longer Conan. He’s no longer a machine. He’s just a grandpa who could kick your ass.
7. Victor Ortiz
Unlike many of the performers in The Expendables 3, Victor Ortiz started his career by professionally punching other people in the face. Yes, Ortiz’s career as a championship boxer instantly makes him top 10 material, even though his baby face and small frame make him significantly less imposing than some of his costars. And then there’s the fact that he appeared on Dancing with the Stars. That’s not Twilight-bad, but it does make us question his ability to murder us.
6. Mel Gibson
Never underestimate a crazy person. Once upon a time, everyone loved Mel Gibson and he seemed like a good-natured guy. Now… well, you probably know how unkind the past few years have been to him. Now exposed as a shrieking, crazily bearded religious nut with no more f**ks to give, Gibson have never appeared more dangerous. It seems like it would be literally impossible to predict what he’d do in any given situation and we’d put that kind of crazy up against any trained fighter.
5. Sylvester Stallone
Like Rocky Balboa himself, Sylvester Stallone has a habit of getting pummeled… and getting right back up. Few actors have rotated between such incredible highs and unsettling lows as Stallone and throughout it all, he’s remained determined, arrogant and seemingly built out of bricks. There may be plenty of cracks and wrinkles in that leathery exterior these days, but Stallone is still the kind of guy who will return a shove with a life-ending throat rip.
4. Harrison Ford
We know what you’re thinking — why is Harrison Ford so high on this list? He’s no bodybuilder. Nor is he a boxer or trained fighter or insane person. He’s just… a guy. But he’s also a guy with his own fleet of planes and helicopters… which he has used to assist the authorities in battling wildfires and rescuing lost hikers. Most of the people in The Expendables 3 fight each other hand to hand. Ford is the only guy who could literally attack them from the skies.
3. Randy Couture
Like Victor Ortiz, Randy Couture got his start beating people up for a living. But he was not boxer. No, he was a mixed martial arts champion, beating the living crap out of people until well into his 40s. You can see the damage all over his body — he wears the mark of his dozens of professional fights. Look at his fists. Those are the tools that allowed him to win UFC championships in two separate divisions. This man can kill you.
2. Jet Li
Jet Li would have been number one on this list a decade or two ago. No contest. A martial artist who could be mentioned in the same breath as Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee, few movie stars have showcased such impressive skills in the art of potential murder. Hell, Li was a wushu master and champion when he was a teenager, retiring from professional fighting at the age of 19. And unlike many of his compatriots, Li’s skills have only slightly dulled with age. He could still straight-up destroy just about every one of his Expendables cast members.
1. Ronda Rousey
Like many professional fighters, Ronda Rousey is looking to transition from the business of punching people in the face on camera to the business of pretending to punch the people on camera. But when you watch her kick ass in The Expendables 3 and Fast & Furious 7, note that she is entirely capable of ripping your head off in real life. An undefeated UFC fighter, Rousey is the most popular woman in mixed martial arts and for good reason: she’s a beast in the ring. You don’t have to know a thing about MMA (we sure don’t) to watch clips of her doing what she does best and being impressed. It’s easy to imagine her dismantling everyone else on this list… although we’d kill to see her fight Jet Li. That was a tough call.
MORE FROM AROUND THE WEB: