Don’t worry, TV watchers. We know you probably had a rough night last night. We know you might just want to kick-start your New Year’s resolution from the comfort of your couch, and we’re here to help. Below, a guide to the shows on hand and the resolutions that you could adopt while watching, from a Star Wars threepeat to The Three Stooges, from Mad Men to Murder, She Wrote, and everything in between.
Resolution: Just say ‘no’ to crime.
For the ultimate reminder that “crime doesn’t pay,” check out 13 hours of Locked Up Abroad (starting at noon) and Drugs, Inc. (starting at 7 p.m.) on National Geographic. Two branches of Law & Order are running wall-to-wall on Jan. 1: original recipe (TNT, 4 a.m.-2 p.m.) and SVU (6 a.m.-3 a.m. Monday). Over on TV Land, Jessica Fletcher is cracking skulls during a block of Murder, She Wrote classics (2-8 p.m.).
Resolution: Don’t be a dingbat.
Deflect from your own behavior last night by delighting in the idiocy of others! You can start right away on IFC with slew of Three Stooges episodes starting at 12:10 a.m. (runs until 6 a.m.), plus back-to-back showings of The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret and Portlandia all day from 10:45 a.m. You’ll also have a spate of rom-com calamities to choose from on TBS’s Laugh in the New Year marathon (noon-8 p.m.), which includes Just Like Heaven, The House Bunny, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and Mean Girls. Meanwhile, VH1 is showcasing humanity’s 40 Funniest Fails from 4-8 p.m., and truTV provides its own block of cautionary tales with seven hours of World’s Dumbest (1-8 p.m.).
Resolution: Don’t be a stereotype.
Do you depend too much on your opposite-oriented friend? Learn from the Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys: Nashville (Sundance, 10 a.m.-2 p.m.). Have you ever been or might you one day be a bridezilla? Check out My Fair Wedding With David Tutera (2-9 p.m.) on WE tv to class up your nuptials. Are you verging on becoming a do-nothing, wig-pulling drama queen? Bravo is airing 12 hours of The Real Housewives of Atlanta (10 a.m.-10 p.m.). And in the spirit of NeNe Leakes, don’t forget to eat your blackeyed peas so you, too, can be “very rich, b—h.”
Resolution: Spruce up your cultural education.
TV heads can catch up bright and early, starting with four episodes of AMC’s Mad Men (6-10 a.m.). As Men’s second hour kicks in, A&E begins a run of The Sopranos (7 a.m.-noon). Syfy’s Twilight Zone marathon starts at 9 a.m. Saturday and will take you clear through Monday morning at 5:30 a.m. For film buffs with a pop-culture blind spot, Spike TV is airing two continuous showings of the complete second half of the Star Wars saga starting at 9 a.m. (first run ends at 6 p.m.).