So you’ve just learned a hard truth: not only are you expecting, you’re expecting something inhuman and destined to bring about Armageddon. Someone has to give birth to the Antichrist and unfortunately, fate (or something far more sinister) has chosen you.
We’re not here to judge (at least too much). Just because you have the son of Satan himself growing in your belly doesn’t mean you should be shunned. In fact, you probably need more help than the average mom-to-be! Numerous cases of What to Expect When You’re Expecting Pure, Unadultered Evil have been documented before (and many have been adapted into highly educational movies, including the upcoming Devil’s Due), so don’t think you’re all alone. We’re here to help.
Don’t Make Any New Friends
It’s tough to go through pregnancy alone, but when you’ve got the son of Satan growing in your womb, isolation may very well be the key to your family’s survival. As word of your impending birth spreads through sinister circles, cultists and other fans of all things evil will try to integrate themselves into your life. There’s a reason these instant friendships are literally formed overnight: they don’t want your friendship as much as they want to abduct and/or worship your hellish spawn.
Look, we’re not going to cast judgment on the fact that you’ve been knocked up by Lucifer. What went down there is none of our business and it may have been out of your control entirely (see the case of Rosemary Woodhouse). In any case, expect your sleep to grow increasingly less pleasant as your slumbers are invaded by nightmares of the worst kind. Try to make yourself an insomniac or learn to enjoy waking up in a cold sweat. If sheer force of will isn’t enough, Tylenol PM is the first baby-safe meds that your doctor will recommend, but Ambien is also safe.
Weird Body Stuff
All of the typical baby stuff still applies during your Satanic pregnancy. You’ll get your baby bump, develop odd food cravings, battle acid reflux, deal with swollen feet and so on and so forth. However, you may have to deal with additional odd side effects since your fetus is not of this realm. This could mean odd things appearing on (or coming out of) your body. This could mean baby kicks that break bones or bruise organs. If your demon spawn is causing significant damage to your mortal shell, the only safe, over-the-counter pain medicine for a pregnant woman is Tylenol. If you are in significant pain (i.e., your child is chewing on your innards or spewing acid or whatnot), consult your doctor about a Vicodin prescription. Just don’t tell him/her why you need it or you could get sent to the psych ward!
To Hospital or Not to Hospital?
When you are pregnant with the Antichrist, the question of whether or not you should deliver at a professional medical facility becomes one that you should carefully consider. On one hand, hospitals are very public places and the chances of devious cultists making an attempt on your life are small. However, it would be very easy for a lone operative to put on a nurse’s uniform and make off with your newborn child. The other option is to flee civilization altogether and give birth in an isolated area where the dark forces won’t be able to track you down. We call this one the “Cabin” approach.
So You Want the “Cabin” Approach…
If you do decide to forego the hospital and give birth in a domestic (or otherwise isolated) environment, you need to prepare carefully. Professional midwives can be found through a quick Google (or Bing, since you’re already a weirdo with a demon baby) search. When you hire someone, ensure that their professionalism is matched by their discretion. Location is also vital. The room in which you give birth needs to be clean and quiet with readily accessible water, electricity and oxygen. If this was a normal baby, being near emergency medical facilities would also be vital, but that would defeat the whole point of dodging evil cults, wouldn’t it? Emergency childbirth kits are also readily available and are a must in case something goes wrong… unless that’s part of your grand plan (see below).
Prepare for a Violent Birth
Your child isn’t human. Acknowledging this early in the process will not only help your prepare mentally for challenges ahead, it will allow to keep the birthing process safe for everyone else involved (midwife, husband, etc). Since a demonic baby could literally emerge from the womb with violence on its mind, it is suggested that you take every precaution. Gloves and goggles are recommended for any observers and a weapon or two wouldn’t hurt. However, if you want to ensure a quiet birth that won’t involve the baby killing anyone (or vice versa), you can be given IV drugs that pass through the placenta and to the fetus right before delivery, ensuring a sedated and calm devil baby. If you’re afraid that the baby will literally come out biting, a cesarian section might be necessary (but only if you can secure the involvement of a trained medical professional). If you do pursue this route, remove the child from the womb feet first to avoid the mouth.
Don’t Let Your Baby Out of Your Sight
Seriously. Everyone is going to want to steal the son of Satan. Don’t be that person who lets a deranged Satanist waltz off with child so they can perform a world-ending ritual.
Nipping It in the Bud
If you don’t think you’re up for a lifetime of dodging cultists and trying to keep your evil child’s demonic impulses in check, ensure that you acquire the seven daggers of Meggido while he is still young. This is an ugly solution to your devil-child problem, but he’s going to grow up to have mind-control powers and such and ancient rituals like this will only get more difficult to arrange. This is a decision you and your family should weigh carefully.
Be Mindful of Your Employees and Your Home
If you have given birth to the son of Satan, his worshippers will continue to intrude upon your daily life. Be mindful when you hire maids, nannies or housekeepers. Call animal control when mysterious dogs show up on your property acting like they belong. If anyone kills themselves in your home as part of a ritualistic display of affection, it’s your fault and your fault alone. Similarly, keeping your evil child away from populated areas is wise, but raising him in total isolation may only strengthen his murderous, sociopathic tendencies. Find a balance.
Don’t Encourage Him
Most parenting books will tell you encourage your children and help them pursue their biggest, grandest dreams. Do not do this with the Antichrist. Due to the nature of his hellish lineage, he will already want to seek power wherever he can, so telling him that yes, he could be president one day is entirely counterproductive. Shoot down his dreams. Tell him to think small. If he says astronaut, you say call center. He’ll ultimately be too wily and smart for harmless office work, so quietly encourage him to enter a profession where his inherent evil will help him get further ahead without dictating global politics. We’ll always need lawyers.
Remember: We’re All Probably Going to Die Anyway
If your adorable evil child does survive being born and manages to grow up, chances are strong that he’ll bring about the End of Days no matter what you do. In that case, just remember you’re still his mother and that he may still love you and may spare you the worst torment when he opens a portal to Hell and unleashes his father’s army on our puny, unprepared realm. Maybe he’ll even give you the best seat from which to watch civilization crumble! At the end of the day, at least your kid has accomplished something extraordinary, which is more than most parents can say.
MORE FROM AROUND THE WEB: