David Letterman mocks jihadist threat in monologue, Top 10 list

David Letterman can’t be too worried about the jihadist threats made against him last week — because he seems to be having a pretty good time laughing about them. And if anything, he likely pushed a few more buttons Monday night.

Most of Letterman’s Monday night monologue and his Top 10 list were dedicated to addressing the threats against him that posted last week on a website frequently utilized by Al-Qaeda to communicate messages. “You people, to me, are more than an audience; you’re more like a human shield,” Letterman began. “I’m so sorry I’m a little late coming out. Backstage, I was talking to a guy from CBS, we were going through the CBS life insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.”

As for the threats themselves, Letterman joked that this wasn’t his first time, saying: “I wish I had a nickel for every time a guy has threatened to cut my tongue out. I think the first time was at the Academy Awards — during the Academy Awards.”

“Everybody’s so sensitive,” Letterman added, before digging his teeth back into the material that seemingly got him into hot water in the first place. “But I’ll tell you, Bin Laden, when they killed him, he’d been locked in his house with six wives for three years. So when the SEALS walked in he said, ‘Just shoot me.’”

“I was looking at the documents earlier today — I don’t know if you’re aware of this — when he was assassinated, Bin Laden, was late arriving in hell. Did you know that? He had to go through Newark. [And] there was a clerical error when he arrived in the afterlife. He was met by 72 vegans.”

Below is the top ten list Letterman presented, titled “Top 10 thoughts went through my mind after hearing about the threat”:

10. “Someone wants to silence me? Get in line.”
9. “Nothing says summer fun like a death threat”
8. “Why is the staff in such a good mood?”
7. “Save me, Oprah.”
6. “Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?”
5. “And here I thought nobody watched the show?”
4. “How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”
3. “Some people get Emmy nominations; some people get death threats.”
2. “This seems like Leno’s handiwork.”
1. “Oh my God! They cancelled the George Lopez Show!”

Related:
Online jihadist calls for David Letterman’s assassination