Everything That Happened on The Bachelor That Did Not Involve Corinne

We’ve come to an agreement with ourselves, ladies and gentlemen.

We’re not going to write about Corinne anymore. We’re not going to give her the satisfaction of owning our every waking Bachelor-related thought, since we already devoted an entire day to her eating habits (minus the chicken taco, sushi, and …pickle preferences she revealed in tonight’s episode), and there are many other women on the show who are much more deserving of our words. So here we go: a Corinne-free Bachelor recap.

First, we had to deal with the rose ceremony we didn’t get to last week, since no one had to confront Nick about his relationship with any crazy people. Everyone was present the entire time, and no one had retired to their bedroom after straddling the Bachelor in a bounce house.

And all the roses went to perfectly deserving people. 

It was a little sad to see Brittany and Christen go home, since we always thought they were great, but Nick’s on the hunt for true love, and his true love clearly has nothing to do with things we think are great. 

The next morning, Chris Harrison announced that it was finally time to “travel the globe.” The women screamed. Their destination? Milwaukee, Wisconsin!!! 

They screamed some more. This is definitely the most excited anyone has ever been to go to Wisconsin. 

Upon their arrival in Milwaukee, all of the women thought about how significant this trip was, since they were visiting Nick’s hometown (which is actually Waukesha, not Milwaukee), and might meet his parents. 

Danielle L. got the honor of the first date in Wisconsin, and all was going well for a while. They made and ate cookies shaped like Nick’s face and had a great time, until they turned down the wrong street and ran into…Nick’s ex!

A girl named Amber was conveniently sitting in the window of a cafe, and she motioned for Nick to come say hello. She then joined the date for a minute, naturally, and made Danielle feel great because Nick is on such friendly terms with one of his exes. 

After a food-less picnic in a rainy park and a bit of making out, Danielle joined Nick for dinner, and revealed that her biggest flaw is the fact that her parents are divorced. Sad, but she gets a rose. 

Meanwhile, the other women awaited the next date card. 

Everybody’s name was on it…except for Raven’s! That means Raven gets Wisconsin one on one number two!

Back on one on one number one, Danielle and Nick were forced to slow dance together in front of the entire crowd at a random country concert, during a song that wasn’t particularly slow dance-y. Nick doesn’t think it’s anything he’ll ever forget. We’ve already forgotten it. 

The group date was an embarrassment of riches, thanks to its farm setting and surplus of animal poop. 

The women were forced to shovel that poop. 

It honestly seemed like the task lasted hours. 

But at least everyone was a trooper, and stuck with it in order to prove their love for Nick. 

Once again, there was no drama. No drama whatsoever. 

And nobody had any issues to deal with at the post-date cocktail party. They especially didn’t have any problems with anyone taking any naps, because Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln also take/took naps. 

And there were no questions about anyone’s maturity level, because all the women remaining on this show are adults who know how to take care of themselves, and know how to behave in situations with other humans. 

No one had anything to apologize for, or even fake apologize for, because all conversations were civil and respectful. 

And no pickles were involved. 

After she spent the night determined to make herself stand out more, Kristina got the rose! Everyone was happy for her! 

Finally, it was time for Raven’s one on one. 

They joined Nick’s little sister and his parents (who are an interesting mix of House of Cards’ Claire Underwood and a cuddly animal) at a soccer game, and then for a round of roller skating at Skateland. We haven’t heard the name Skateland in about 15 years, but apparently it still exists in Waukesha, Wisconsin. 

Raven and Nick had a lovely time, and we found ourselves falling in love with Raven, even as she described the image of the vagina she saw when she caught her ex cheating on her. We’d give her a rose, and Nick agreed.

Then, it was time for the cocktail party. Not a single person at the cocktail party was determined to tear Taylor down, or had anything against Taylor whatsoever. 

Not a single person stuffed their face with pizza rolls (?) and bitched about Taylor bitching about them. 

Nobody accused anybody of calling anyone else an idiot, and Taylor sat by the fire, talking to no one about whether or not they’re in a place to enter into a committed, healthy relationship with a 36 year-old man, or if they have the emotional intelligence to handle such a relationship. 

And no one questioned Taylor’s profession as a mental health professional, or dismissed the possibility that they might be an idiot because they run a multi-million dollar company. 

And there was definitely no cliffhanger that revealed that either Taylor or someone else would be going home next week after a battle for Nick’s heart.

However, someone did reveal that their two greatest fears are Nicholas Cage and aliens, and that someone was Alexis. 

And that’s all that happened on The Bachelor this week. Good night! 

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.