Scream Queens Premiere: New Season, New Place, Same Delightful Insanity

Bless the team of Ryan Murphy and co. Just bless them and their faces and their weird and wacky notions for TV shows. 

Scream Queens may not make a lot of sense, but any show that gives us Jamie Lee Curtis as a pot-smoking public-speaking Time-covering head of a hospital and Cecily Strong as a werewolf woman is a show we could never not love. Did we mention that John Stamos and Taylor Lautner are also there, giving the hot docs of Grey’s Anatomy a serious run for their money? 

Let’s start from the beginning: the season’s big mystery begins at a 90s Halloween party in a hospital, where Jerry O’Connell’s Dr. Mike finds his drug hunt interrupted by a patient’s pregnant wife in need of help. Instead of actually helping the patient, he and one of the nurses simply dumped the body in the swamp outside and went back to their party, leaving the wife alone with the unborn baby who probably had a bright future in murder. 

Cut to 2016, when Dean Munsch has bought that hospital in order to fix the healthcare system, or something. 

Not only is she going after former students of hers to populate her new hospital, but she’s also hiring some new faces. 

So far, those newbies include John Stamos as Dr. Brock “Sometimes I just stare at my hands and cry” Holt, the surgeon who was the recipient of the first successful hand transplant after a tragic garbage disposal accident, and Taylor Lautner as the suspiciously cold Dr. Cassidy Cascade, as well as cranky hospital administrator Dr. Hoffel (Kirstie Alley). 

Zayday had gotten into medical school on her own, and was working three jobs just to pay for it, until Munsch swept in to offer her a residency. 

And then we have the Chanels. 

They were sprung from the asylum after the Netflix documentary (Entrap a Kappa Kappa: Murder on Sorority Row) that chronicled their case caught Hester (Lea Michele) confessing to the murders, but were still considered pariahs. They graduated from community college with communications degrees, and then got jobs vaguely related to the medical field. 

Number 5 (Abigail Breslin) got a job as a dental assistant, Number 3 (Billie Lourd) got a janitor gig at a sperm bank (much to her delight), and Chanel (Emma Roberts) got certified to draw blood, only to discover that it’s totally her jam. 

Munsch offered them the chance to reform their images and get real jobs by getting them into medical school, and thus they’re back in the story. 

The case of the night was all about Cecily Strong, who had a serious case of the werewolf disease, which means she was covered in hair and just wanted to find a cure. 

Zayday wanted to basically give her a lobotomy, but Dr. Brock hoped he could find another way. After insulting the hell out of poor Cecily, the Chanels were almost kicked to the curb, until Chanel flirted with Dr. Brock enough to help him come up with an answer. 

Apparently, werewolf girl’s problem was that her diet was entirely meat and protein and manly types of food, and she was overloaded with testosterone. As soon as she changed her diet and got an injection of DHT, her hair started falling right out. 

After a fantastic makeover montage courtesy of the Chanels, she was fully on her way to recovery. 

Unfortunately, her nighttime care was up to Number 5, who thought it would be a good idea for them to lock themselves into hydrotherapy tanks, which gave the new bad guy, dressed in a big green devil costume, the perfect opportunity to at least behead Cecily Strong, and maybe behead Number 5 as well.

Now, a few thoughts. First of all, we need to see the full version of Entrap a Kappa Kappa immediately, so Netflix needs to get up on that right now. 

Second of all, we need to talk about Taylor Lautner’s character. He’s apparently cold as ice, but jealous of ice cubes because when you warm them, they melt, unlike Taylor Lautner. Then he was the one who explained Cecily Strong’s werewolf disease, and all our dreams of endless Twilight references started to come true. Please continue this all season, Lautner. We’ll never get tired of it.

Third, the word “ghosting.” We’ve always known the word to mean ceasing communication with no explanation, but now we’re rethinking everything we’ve ever known in favor of Chanel’s invisible poop definition. 

Fourth, what is Munsch up to? And what is Kirstie Alley up to? And when is Chad Radwell getting here? We’ve got a lotta questions and not a lotta answers, but we’re here for the long haul. How about you?

Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.