‘The Bachelor’ premiere: Jenna the Overanalyst vs. Monica – it is ON

It’s here, y’all. “The Bachelor” is back on our television screens. Who’s excited?! (Also: No spoilers in the comments please).

Things kick off with a montage of Ben doing outdoorsy things on his winery, then Chris Harrison (how I’ve missed you) gives us an intro and away we go. 

Highlights of the girls’ introduction montage include:

• Lindzi claims she was once broken up with via text that read, “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville … population YOU.” I don’t believe that actually happened, just for the record.
• Amber T. is from Nebraska and can shoot skeet and go bow hunting, which is pretty awesome. I’m not a hunter, per se, but I like it that she can do that. She also is familiar with Rocky Mountain oysters, which makes me hope with all my heart that Ben has to go to her hometown.
• Brunette Kacie is one of the prettiest girls, to me.
• Courtney is a model who actually doesn’t do it for me. She looks kinda mean and evil, like a Disney villain.
• Jamie has an amazing backstory, how she took legal guardianship of her siblings when she was young. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.
• Lyndsie the Diplomat’s Daughter annoys me on sight and also reminds me more than a little of weird Melissa from Brad’s season. Anyone else?
• Jenna fancies herself a real-life Carrie Bradshaw, complete with close-up on her computer screen as she blogs about love. *eye roll*
• Shawn is a mom. Nothing snarky, she’s just the only parent, as far as I know. And that brings with it something extra from the other women.

Time for the limo meet ‘n’ greet. Highlights:

• Amber B. lets Ben know that the B stands for bacon, then she creepily makes him taste her hand. My husband is walking through the room and goes, “Can we just send her back to the limo?” She then piles on with a crack about “Canadian bacon” because she’s from Canada. Oh dear.
• Jenna, the “love blogger,” is super awkward right out of the shoot and then misquotes Ben’s “good things don’t end unless they end badly” thing from when Ashley dumped him. Jenna says instead, “All good things end badly.” *snort* Also, I’m not sure reminding him of that moment was the best strategy for your first impression. And awkward Jenna keeps obsessing over it inside the house.
• Emily is a Ph.D student in epidemiology, which is awesome. But she gets really weird about by sanitizing her hands, then her mouth, then his mouth, then she asks for the first kiss. Boy, that’s super romantic. That could only be more romantic if you smooched through surgical masks.
• Samantha wears her Miss Pacific Palisades sash, while having the single worst, straggliest hair of anyone.
• Blonde Casey is one of the prettiest girls for me too, so apparently the Caseys/Kacies have it.
• Holly, who looks like that cannot possibly be her real face, wears her Kentucky Derby hat. But it’s not one of those really cool, fancy ones. It’s more like a giant gardening hat.
• Shira the actress is impossibly skinny, blech. She also leads by pretending she knows everything about wine and tells him to ask her anything, then when she can’t tell him what her favorite varietal is, she pretends like she was kidding and hopes he can teach her about wine. Uh, you’re not fooling me, Shira. You biffed that. Probably because you’re not sure what “varietal” means.
• Cheryl the grandmother is there to introduce her granddaughter Brittney, which I actually think is a cute gimmick. If my grandma were alive, she’d probably watch “The Bachelor” and would love to do something like this. The other girls, however, are not amused. Amber B. is particularly snarky about it, which – girls in bacon houses shouldn’t throw stones.
• Jennifer is an accountant, so she gives him some “numbers” – miles traveled, times arrested, dresses, times been in love. It’s a really cute intro.
• Lyndsie the Londoner reads a terrible, terrible poem that includes “butt-chin dimple.” Um, I’d send her back to the limo along with Bacon.
• Anna flashes some bedroom eyes, then just walks straight into the house. Ben calls after her, “It’s a bold move.” That was pretty gutsy.
• Shawn slugs him on the arm and like Ben, I love it.
• Brunette Kacie is, once again, stunning. Oh, I just love her. I want to be her friend. She just radiates fun and warmth.
• Lindzi arrives on her horse, which the girls are also not amused by. She cracks that his name is “First Impression Rose,” which is hilarious. Courtney snots, “Screw you and the horse you rode in on.” Ugh. She is the worst.
• I agree with Ben – the brunettes have it. Overall, they are much prettier than the blondes.

The Cocktail Party

So, not a ton of stuff happens right away. There are some one-on-ones, some line dancing, a blind candy taste-test from Dianna, which is super weird, then Emily raps. Raps. Comparing love to a disease. Um, what?

But then.

Jenna the Blogger is talking to Monica and Jenna asks if Monica has feelings for Ben and Monica says, “No, I don’t know him. I know four things about him.”

Now. Here is where the wheels come off (in a good way). Monica is clearly a tongue-in-cheek, pot-stirrer. Jenna is clearly high-strung and a little unstable. So Monica decides to mess with Jenna. I wholeheartedly approve. I think Monica’s initial statement (“I don’t know him.”) is legit. Maybe she doesn’t have feelings for Ben yet. Back off, Jenna.

But this clearly bothers the crap out of Jenna, so Monica just keeps going with it. And it’s hilarious. Jenna starts saying she’s not there for the right reason and how Monica should leave and all this stuff. While Monica just keeps laughing. She is clearly just messing with Jenna and Jenna keeps opening herself up for ridicule because she’s acting crazy.

Jenna then, of course, runs to everyone else to complain about Monica not liking her. Because she’s insecure and needs people to tell her that she’s in the right and Monica is a horrible person.

Monica then gets a little drunky obsessed with Blakeley, which is admittedly weird – but. Jenna starts saying that “the girl who attacked [her] emotionally” and “her girlfriend.” And starts tossing around words like “making out” and “into each other.” Sure, it’s weird, but let’s rein it in a little, J.

But she can’t. She is like hyperventilating and crying, wondering how you maintain sanity. Um, you’ve been there, what, an hour?! Get a grip, lady.

After a commercial break, Rachel appears to find Jenna wandering around in the bushes outside saying, “I don’t want drama, I dont’ want drama.” But the next shot is her talking to two other girls about how Monica is “making” her cry and Monica is “smiling.” “What human being is like that?”

First off, nobody can “make” you cry. Secondly, the more of a big deal you make out of this, the more Monica will laugh at your unstable butt. Thirdly, what kind of human being is like you, to be so off-the-rails like this?

Outside, she says to Rachel, “She makes me feel inferior. And I will not cry. Because that girl does not deserve any tears.”

First off, the inferior thing is your own problem. Secondly, I’m not sure Monica gives two figs if you are crying or not. Thirdly, I put the over/under on you crying at 7 minutes (of show time).

Poor Rachel tries to play peacemaker, bringing Monica over to Jenna. Jenna goes, “I just feel like you don’t like me.” And Monica responds, “I don’t know you.” Oh, so many things. Jenna – why do you care if she likes you? How can you not see that Monica is totally messing with you? And also, it’s totally valid for someone to respond, “I don’t know you” when asked if they like you or not.

Monica observes that Jenna is just a girl who is there and Jenna pipes up with what I imagine in her tiny brain she thinks is really clever, “Yep, I’m a girl. Maybe we can share a tampon sometime.” OH. MY. GOD.

Meanwhile, drunky Monica is spoiling for an actual physical fight, which is kind of laughable. I imagine that if any girl actually stepped to Monica and punched her, she would crumple like a cheap suit.

Take a look at Jenna’s blog, people. It is the most banal, inane stuff. Good lord, where does “The Bachelor” find these girls?

Oh, Jenna’s crying! Who had 2 1/2 minutes?

Hey, Ben’s back. I totally forgot he was even here. He tries to find out why Jenna is crying and she plays it off, but then she weirdly says, “Everything goes black, it’s like ‘Where am I? What am I doing right now?'” Ummm … maybe somebody should find her lithium.

She then goes and talks to herself in the bathroom, “I don’t wanna be like this, I don’t wanna be like this. People here are awful, they’re mean people [garble garble] I gave everything. This is not … supposed to feel! I’m a mess. I’m the girl that was like serious about this, not the girl that is like wanting fame out of this. I’m the girl that got hurt out of this! … [toilet flush. sobs].” Wow, y’all. Wow.

Could Monica have let up? Sure. But c’mon. Jenna is crazypants.

Anyway. Lindzi of the horse-riding gets the first impression rose. Not a shock, she seems cool and she’s very pretty.

Time for the Rose Ceremony. I hope Jenna gets one, we need to keep this crazy in the house as long as possible. Can you imagine how bonkers she’ll be in five weeks after she’s the only girl who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date?

Rose Ceremony

Jenna is absent. Hopefully because she’s so mortified at her own behavior. She eventually shows up, though, and we get started.The roses go to Lindzi (already had), Jamie the nurse (she looks like Sara Evans!), Rachel, Blakeley, Emily of the disease rap, Kacie the brunette (yay), Casey the blonde (yay), Brittney with the grandma, Erika, Shawn with the son, Nicki, Jennifer the accountant (yay), Elyse, Samantha the pageant girl with horrid hair, Courtney the snotty model, Jaclyn, Monica and Jenna. Awesome.

So going home are Baconnaise, Amber the skeet-shooter, Anna the girl who didn’t stop to say hello, Dianna of the candy taste-test, Holly the girl who looks fake, Lyndsie the Londoner and Shira the too-skinny wine “expert.” I’m only surprised at Amber T. and Samantha, I would’ve swapped those two.

What did you think, “Bachelor” fans?

This season on “The Bachelor”: cheers, mountains, beaches, fishing, sharks, helicopters, stunts, kissing, happines, caves, kissing, canoeing, fireworks, helicopters, kissing, mountains, kissing, skiing, rappelling, winery, kissing, ruins, kissing, straddling, claws, claws, claws, catfights, claws, spying, kissing, driving, an ex-girlfriend, tears, tears, tears, tears, tears, Courtney as the villain (CALLED IT) and (gasp) skinny-dipping!, and tears, illness, tears, collapsing and more tears. And then – big drama for the finale?!

Oh my god, y’all. Cannot wait. Also – please keep spoilers out of the comments. They are not welcome here.

Photo/Video credit: ABC