What to Watch Tonight: Survivor, Modern Family, and the premiere of Suburgatory

What to watch on Wednesday, September 28…

The only way tonight’s television experience could get more exciting would be if you strapped the remote control to an agitated cat. Better catch that little feller!

8pm, CBS
Survivor: South Pacific
Now that two people inhabit Redemption Island, tonight brings us the first duel of the season. Plus we’ll learn whether Brandon will face consequences for his truly repugnant actions last week, and Ozzy will continue to resemble a sexier, more soulful, slightly more Mexican Jesus Christ.

9pm, NBC
Modern Family
Tonight Gloria is irked by Jay’s friendship with his dog, Claire learns a lesson when she tries to teach a lesson, and Cameron goes on a juice fast. An annoying yet charming juice fast!

8pm, NBC
Up All Night
Will Forte guest-stars as Chris’ new friend who’s full of advice on spicing things up in the bedroom, plus The Lonely Island’s Jorma Taccone guest-stars as Ava’s ex. In case I haven’t mentioned it enough, this show is just great.

SERIES PREMIERE, 8:30pm, ABC
Suburgatory
When a single dad (Jeremy Sisto) moves himself and his teenage daughter from NYC to the suburbs, he doesn’t keep in mind the many annoying things about the suburbs. Like those stickers people put on their minivans representing each member of the family? He hasn’t thought about those at all I bet!

SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 9:30pm, ABC
Happy Endings
Tonight sees the return of ABC’s finest sitcom about young singletons! In the Season 2 premiere, Penny attempts to turn her life around by buying a house, plus Jane encourages Alex and Dave to somehow commemorate the one-year anniversary of her leaving him at the altar.

SEASON 26 PREMIERE, 10pm, MTV
Real World: San Diego 2
Aaand it’s back to San Diego for Season 26 of MTV’s original slap/scream/drunkfest poignantly titled The Real World. Cast members include an arena football player, an African singer-songwriter, a lesbian who occasionally passes for male, and a bisexual live wire who tends to misbehave when he’s drunk. But then, doesn’t that describe EVERYONE’s circle of friends?

PLUS NEW EPISODES OF…
H8R, 8 p.m., CW
The Middle, 8 p.m., ABC
The X Factor, 8 p.m., Fox
Free Agents, 8:30 p.m., NBC
America’s Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW
Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS
Ghost Hunters, 9 p.m., Syfy
Harry’s Law, 9 p.m., NBC
Law & Order: UK, 9 p.m., BBC America
MythBusters, 9 p.m., Discovery
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 10 p.m., CBS
Dance Moms, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Extreme Couponing, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 & 10:30 p.m., TLC
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 10 p.m., NBC
Luther, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., BBC America
Paranormal Witness, 10 p.m., Syfy
Revenge, 10 p.m., ABC
The Ultimate Fighter, 10 p.m., Spike
Top Chef: Just Desserts, 10 p.m., Bravo
Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, CLIP SHOW, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central
Blue Mountain State, 11 p.m., Spike

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Anderson Cooper & Nick Offerman on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Anna Faris & Michael Emerson on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Bill O’Reilly on Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 11 p.m., Comedy Central
Dylan McDermott on Chelsea Lately, 11 p.m., E!
Ed Helms on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
John Lithgow on Colbert Report, 11:31 p.m., Comedy Central
Rashida Jones on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Seth MacFarlane on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Seth Rogen & Kid Cudi on Conan, 11 p.m., TBS

What are you watching tonight?