What to Watch Tonight: The X Factor, Modern Family, and Revenge

What to watch on Wednesday, September 21…

Hopefully your beer cozy is sturdy and reliable, because it’s going to be a LONG night. (Helpful suggestion: Be sure to have a backup beer cozy handy in case of initial beer cozy failure!)

SERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, FOX
The X Factor
Tonight we welcome back our old friends Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul for a long-awaited reunion that will surely be as blissful as seeing family on the first day of Thanksgiving Break. How many episodes until we’re as annoyed by them as we are our families on the third day of Thanksgiving Break? Anyway, tune in for this slightly more dynamic version of American Idol in which the age ranges and genres have been expanded but “star quality” reigns supreme.

SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 9pm, ABC
Modern Family
We’ve been teased and tantalized for weeks now by images of our favorite modern families out on some Wyoming dude ranch, and tonight we’ll finally learn what they’re up to: A family vacation! Meanwhile in the second half of the two- episode premiere, Mitchell and Cameron will attempt to break the news to Lily that they’ve decided to adopt a second child.

SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 9pm, CBS
Criminal Minds
In tonight’s season premiere the team must deal with the loss of Prentiss (aw, Prentiss!) and face questioning from a Senate committee re: same. Tune in to see which SURPRISING person rallies to their defense! (It’s not Jane Velez-Mitchell, sorry.)

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, ABC
Revenge
A young woman (Emily VanCamp) returns to the Hamptons to dismantle and destroy its entire high society as payback for ruining her family and driving her father to suicide. Will she carry out her plans without getting sidetracked by her own conscience? Who knows? It could take years before you get a satisfactory answer. That’s why this is a show and not a movie!

SEASON 12 PREMIERE, 10pm, CBS
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Hey, Ted Danson! It’s Ted Danson, everybody! Tonight he takes over for Laurence Fishburne as the intimidating heavy at the head of the CSI Department. See how he helps (or hinders) the team’s investigation into multiple shootings (and stabbings?) aboard a public tram.

ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 10pm, PBS
Not in Our Town: Light in the Darkness
It’s about time PBS aired a serious documentary for a change! It’s all makeover shows and extreme sports competitions lately. Anyway, check out this one-hour look into the town of Patchogue and how it’s dealt with the fatal 2008 hate crime attack against an Ecuadorian immigrant. As she does in most aspects of my inner life, Alfre Woodard narrates.

PLUS NEW EPISODES OF…
H8R, 8 p.m., CW
I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, 8 & 8:30 p.m., TLC
Survivor: South Pacific, 8 p.m., CBS
The Middle, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 8 p.m., ABC
Up All Night, 8 p.m., NBC
Free Agents, SERIES PREMIERE, 8:30 p.m., NBC
America’s Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW
Ghost Hunters, 9 p.m., Syfy
Harry’s Law, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., NBC
Law & Order: UK, 9 p.m., BBC America
The Stoned Ages, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9 p.m., History
The Ultimate Fighter, 9 p.m., Spike
Confessions: Animal Hoarding, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Dark Matters: Twisted But True, 10 p.m., Science
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, SEASON 13 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., NBC
Paranormal Witness, 10 p.m., Syfy
The Hour, 10 p.m., BBC America
Toddlers & Tiaras, MIDSEASON FINALE, 10 p.m., TLC
Top Chef: Just Desserts, 10 p.m., Bravo
Blue Mountain State, 11 p.m., Spike

LATE-NITE PICKS:
Amy Poehler & Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Chris Hardwick & Death Cab For Cutie on Last Call with Carson Daly, 1:35 a.m., NBC
Gavin Rossdale on Chelsea Lately, 11 p.m., E!
James Spader on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Jim Parsons & Chris Pratt on Conan, 11 p.m., TBS
Jonah Hill & Whitney Cummings on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Michael Moore & Elisha Cuthbert on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Roseanne Barr on The Wendy Williams Show, 12 a.m., BET
Taylor Lautner, Minka Kelley & Wilco on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?