10 Celebrity Facial Hair Trainwrecks

No one knows what causes otherwise good-looking, popular stars to irrationally cultivate dodgy facial hair. Some say it is to do with the movement of the stars and the tides, others that they have reached a plateau of masculine style far beyond normal comprehension. We think they are chumps.

10. Brad Pitt

Here’s the scenario: you are the devastatingly handsome star of some of the most popular films of the last decade, you are dating one of the outright hottest babes to ever walk the face of the earth, and you have so much cash that if you were to stuff it under your mattress, you’d be sleeping on the moon. What do you do next? We’re sorry but ‘grow scraggy beard’ would not be at the top of our list. In fact, it would probably be somewhere near the top of our list of things NOT to do. The only justification Brad could offer was: ‘I was bored.’ Oh dear.

9. Jim Carrey

Sometimes it’s not the beard you wear, but the face that wears it. Beard/celeb combos that sound like perfectly acceptable pairings can often make us stare in revulsion as if we had just been handed a dead baby. Consider Jim Carrey here: beard = a well kempt, distinguished balance of grey and brown tones; face = that of one of the most respected comedians of the last few decades. Put them together and…. aaarrggh, insane, killer chimp!

8. P Diddy

We must have missed the trend for wearing what looks like an upside down eye patch on your chin. Shame. Of course, we’ve got nothing but ‘mad respect’ for Diddy’s tunes; someone should just tell him that a goatee that makes you look like you just dipped your chin into an inkwell is just not needed on a man of his stature.

7. Michael Phelps

No doubt Michael Phelps thinks he’s sporting a bitchin’ ’stache – unfortunately, to the rest of us, he just looks like the MOST EVIL MAN IN THE WORLD. This is the kind of facial hair that makes schoolgirls cry. Phelps would probably argue that it is purposefully designed to intimidate his rivals in the swimming pool, but would you walk around looking like a cross between evil overlord, Fu Manchu, and a brain-dead trucker for the sake of an Olympic swimming medal?

6. Patrick Stewart a.k.a Mr. Potato Head

Note to self: if your cranium is devoid of hair and looks more like an egg than a head, do not – repeat DO NOT – grow a moustache. You will only end up looking like Mr. Potato Head (or worse, the Pringles man). Unless, of course, you actually think a plastic model of a potato that can be decorated with a variety of attachable plastic parts is a good look.

5. Prince William

A beard gives a man a distinguished look, or so the old line goes. Prince William’s scraggy attempt at the classic naval beard succeeds only in making him look 35 years older than he is and generally unkempt – not really the look we expect from the heir to the British throne. Being a British Army officer to boot, we doubt very much that beard is military sanctioned. Where’s clean-shaven Prince Charming gone?

4. Joaquin Phoenix

Joaquin Phoenix has inexplicably let himself go of late, claiming he’s quitting acting to pursue a career as a rapper. No one’s quite sure if it’s all a joke or not, but what is for sure is that he has broken Rule Number 4 of the Universal Male Facial Hair Style Guidelines: ‘Never allow your beard to get so freakin’ out of control you look like you’ve been living in the woods for the last year’. We suggest: a cold shower and a razor for Joaquin.

3. Courtney Love

Uh-oh… it looks like facial hair train wrecks aren’t just confined to men. In fact, now we think about it, bad female facial hair is probably one of the most putridly offensive things on Earth. Period. We all know rockers love facial hair, but we’re pretty sure even the gnarliest of heavy metal fans would puke at the first sign of stubble on his chick. Courtney Love, how did it come to this?

2. Orlando Bloom

What does your facial hair say about you? Orlando thinks his ‘moustache’ (and we use that word in its loosest sense) says: I’m so damn hot I can grow this ridiculous ’stache and still get laid every night. Everyone else thinks: the name’s Bag. Douche Bag. You see, the power of the ‘I just don’t give a crap’ moustache is somewhat undermined when said moustache resembles the pathetic fluff on a 14 year-old’s top lip after two weeks of school vacation.

1. Mel Gibson

Since when did Colonel Saunders become a style icon? Not in our lifetime. You’ve got to admire Mel’s audacity, and his resourcefulness, smoothly segueing between mad fast-food patron and sinister looking pirate using only the power of the hair on his face – yet the end result is uniformly terrible.  Mel may have starred in the smash What Women Want, but judging by these displays of facial foliage… they should have considered someone else.