Alphas, The Closer, and Jake Gyllenhaal on Man vs. Wild

What to watch on Monday, July 11.

Can we talk for a second? You’ve been walking around all day with this look on your face like you smell a dirty diaper or something. You have GOT to cheer up, guy! Bad moods are infectious—did you notice that your wife and kids are all frowning into their soup? Your horses just laid down in the driveway and your rabbits look positively crestfallen. Do you see the effect you’ve had on everyone? Do us a favor and turn on the TV already. That oughta do it.

SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 9pm, Discovery
Man vs. Wild
It’s the cable event the internet’s been waiting for! Serial bromancer Jake Gyllenhaal hooks up with man-about-nature Bear Grylls for a white-hot Icelandic play date! I’m sure we’ll learn tons about survival skills, etc., plus we’ll see just how cold it gets in Iceland. For example, how cold is too cold for a shirtless hug?

SEASON 6 PREMIERE, 9pm, HGTV
HGTV Design Star
Out of all the creative arts-based reality competition shows, Design Star is easily the second- or third-best, depending on how much you enjoy wall treatments. In tonight’s Season 6 (!) of HGTV’s flagship competition, a new batch of talented and/or photogenic interior designers must redesign the New York penthouse in which they’ll be squatting.

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, Syfy
Alphas
Alphas‘ premise is so wild and unusual you won’t even believe it: A group of strangers with extraordinary abilities decides to form a team to solve crimes. Just a very cool, very original idea for a series! In tonight’s opener, a man is mysteriously drawn to the top of a building, where he “executes an improbable shooting.” Whatever, Alphas. Wake me up when there’s a cartoonish archvillain.

SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 9pm, TNT
The Closer
Kyra Sedgwick’s Chief Brenda is back and she be closin’! In tonight’s premiere of The Closer‘s seventh and final season, Brenda investigates the shooting of a rapper, plus a civil suit filed against her threatens the entire department.

10pm, MTV
Teen Wolf
The verdict is in, and this show is NOT GUILTY of being terrible! Sure, it’s a little boring and its storytelling scope is charmingly narrow, but still. Watchable! Plus, if you’re a Vampire Diaries fan, there are nods and references to that show on a weekly basis, basically, right down to featuring an actress who now plays a mom on both shows (I like to pretend she’s the same character). Anyway, in tonight’s episode the core gang gets trapped in their high school overnight while the alpha werewolf attempts to break in. Dang, relax werewolf!

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, TLC
Surprise Homecoming
Do you like to cry? More specifically, do you like to cry when soldiers surprise their loved ones by returning home unexpectedly while Billy Ray Cyrus looks on approvingly? Well, I hate to tell you, buster, but this show’s got your name ALL OVER it. In tonight’s series premiere, we’ll meet several soldiers whose bravery and honor are surpassed only by their warmhearted trickery.

PLUS NEW EPISODES OF…

Adventure Time, 8 p.m., Cartoon Network
Are You Fitter than a Senior?, 8 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Basketball Wives, 8 p.m., VH1
Born Bad, ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8 p.m., Lifetime
Eureka, MIDSEASON PREMIERE, 8 p.m., Syfy
Inside the Actors Studio: Jennifer Aniston, 8 p.m., Bravo
The Secret Life of the American Teenager, 8 p.m., ABC Family
The Bachelorette, 8 p.m., ABC
American Pickers, 9 p.m., History
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, MIDSEASON PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Travel Channel
Hoarders, 9 p.m., A&E
MasterChef, 9 p.m., Fox
RuPaul’s Drag U, 9 p.m., Logo
Single Ladies, 9 p.m., VH1
Switched at Birth, 9 p.m., ABC Family
Warehouse 13, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Syfy
Behind Mansion Walls, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, 10 p.m., ABC
Intervention, 10 p.m., A&E
Rizzoli & Isles, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., TNT
Surviving the Cut, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Discovery
Weeds, 10 p.m., Showtime
Pawn Stars, 10:30 p.m., History
The Big C, 10:30 p.m., Showtime

LATE-NITE PICKS:

Elijah Wood & Cat Deeley on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Emma Watson & Chris Evans on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?