‘America’s Next Top Model’ all-stars premiere: Nicki Minaj and larger-than-life personas

We’re here, “America’s Next Top Model” fans. The newest cycle and probably the one we’ve most been looking forward to – all-stars. After a terrifying open where Tyra is apparently being haunted by the past contestants, we meet our girls:

Shannon Stewart (Cycle 1),
Camille McDonald (Cycle 2), Brittany Brower (Cycle 4), Lisa D’Amato
(Cycle 5), Bre Scullark (Cycle 5), Bianca Golden (Cycle 9), Dominique
Reighard (Cycle 10), Isis King (Cycle 11), Sheena Sakai (Cycle 11),
Allison Harvard (Cycle 12), Laura Kirkpatrick (Cycle 13), Angelea
Preston (Cycle 14), Kayla Ferrel (Cycle 15) and Alexandria Everett
(Cycle 16).

Here is our photo gallery if you want to check out the all-star ladies.

I’ll have to confess – Cycle 7 was the first one I watched, so the girls from prior to that one are new to me. I apologize if I don’t know what they’re all about right away. But let’s get to it!

Highlights from the intros

• Angelea still rubs me the wrong way. She’s a few bricks shy and it’s not confidence with her, it’s false confidence (I feel).
• Laura the country bumpkin is still adorable as ever.
• Bianca, despite looking like she could unhinge her jaw and swallow me whole, is still extremely pretty. Not all of the models are inherently “pretty.”
• Speaking of pretty, Lisa is quite pretty, but … you can tell she was on the show 12 cycles ago, ifyaknowwhatImean.
• Bre, it turns out, is one of Bianca’s friends and Bi is so mad Bre didn’t tell her she was on the show.
• Brittany from Cycle 4 – is she plus-sized? She reminds me of Olivia Munn.
• Dominique just had a baby. Holy crap. And with her hair pulled back it looks like she has a sevenhead and is wearing a bad wig.
• Sheena. Hmmm. She’s the one who got a little hoochie-licious in her pictures, right?
• Isis looks striking, so much prettier than on her initial season.
• Kayla is rocking the long dark hair, love it.
• Allison is still as awkward as ever, but I still want to take her home in my purse.
• Camille I’m not familiar with, but the girls are on high alert for her diva-ness.
• Cycle 1 brings Shannon, who looks like she aged better than Lisa.
• And Alexandria. Oh, Alexandria. Can’t wait for her to open mouth, insert foot.

The First Photoshoot

They are posing as larger-than-life versions of their personas in the backyard with Celeste Canino. Awesome. Bianca immediately starts complaining about her red hair pieces. Oh my god, girl! You just gotta roll with it and work it, like Isis says. Don’t go right into being a diva.

When they shoot, Bianca is super awkward. Allison’s kewpie doll is awesome. Kayla gets a “big gay flag” for her outfit, which – yeah, subtle is not really a word this show understands. Isis dons a bronze bikini and some chains and she looks smoking hot – as “Sixteen Candles” grandma says, she’s gotten her boobies. Good for her.

Shannon wants to add her swimming suit to her outfit because she doesn’t pose in her underwear. What’s weird is that she wears a small bikini bottom instead of lace boy shorts that she thinks look like underwear. But they would cover more if she’d put them over her bikini bottom. Weird.

Live Judging Panel

The girls are heading to L.A. Live at the Nokia Theatre to be judged live in front of fans by the regular judges plus Nicki Minaj, the first guest judge. Nigel has hair! I don’t like it, he’s not as hot with hair.

Anyway, the judging is kind of dumb. They don’t really critique them, they just say nice things, the crowd screams, blah blah blah. Nicki Minaj is kind of obnoxious. The Brittany picture is a little scary – she really does look like she is one sip of champagne away from falling face-first into the pool and drowning.

When Alexandria comes out, the crowd is screaming profanity and booing her. Yikes. That is harsh. Why would you be like that? Have some manners.  

Biance, who kinda sucked in her shoot, ends up with a gorgeous picture. Nicki Minaj hates Kayla’s picture, but I actually thought it was awesome. The look on her face is fabulous. Laura’s “Hee Haw” is high fashion, as Andre says.

After the judging, Tyra informs them they will be judged not only on their picture but on their personality, how they worked the crowd, how the crowd responded, etc.

The Judges’ Deliberation
 
Allison got all-time favorite at the L.A. Live crowd, which does not surprise me one bit. Love her. Andre doesn’t love Lisa’s “Girls Gone Wild” picture. Heh. Isis also rated very high.

The Elimination

The prizes are this year are a spread in Italian Vogue, a cover and spread in Beauty in Vogue, a blog on Italian Vogue’s website, a guest correspondent job for “Extra,” a national campaign with Express and $ 100,000 contract with Cover Girl. 

Isis gets top photo, which is great. Followed by Allison, Camille, Lisa, Angelea, Laura, Bre, Bianca, Shannon, Dominique, Sheena and Kayla, leaving Alexandria and Brittany in the bottom 2.    

Tyra informs them that when the crowd was polled, pretty much nobody remembered Brittany, while with Alexandria, it was boos. To me, that’s your answer right there. Keep hated over indifferent every time. And that’s what happens – Brittany is going home. And then Tyra’s in my head when she says the opposite of love is indifference. Yep.

Uh, who else finds the composite picture from which they vanish each girl from after she is eliminated completely scary? Those poses do not go well together, it’s pure nightmare fuel.

On this season: screaming, fights, smack talk, confrontation, hot tubs, yelling, tears and a medical emergency. That looked like Kayla! Hope not.

Photo/Video credit: The CW