So we’re all in agreement that every week should be TV week on Dancing with the Stars, right?
That was awesome, and we’re not just saying that because television is literally our job. We just witnessed an Argentine tango set to the X-Files theme, and then we followed a racecar driver on Twitter. It was quite a night for us, and quite a night for the contestants as well.
A few improved on last week’s premiere scores, but most couples actually stayed the same. Other than that fabulous X-Files routine, we’ll give you one guess as to who took the top spot on the leader board tonight by literally transforming into a cartoon duck. OK, not literally, but Laurie Hernandez might as well have.
Full disclosure: most of our dance rankings were based on TV-related feelings. Sorry not sorry!
Anyway, here are the best and worst dances of the night (in order from worst to best):
Clint Brewer/Splash News
Worst: Rick Perry and Emma Slater: 22/40
Green Acres
This writer’s parents had the box set of Green Acres on DVD, and has seen every episode. As fun as it was to hear the theme song, that was where the fun ended. We didn’t hate the bejeweled pitchfork?
Ryan Lochte and Cheryl Burke:
The Muppet Show
Concept: Adorable. Actual Dancing: Eh…Could have been worse, we guess? This did give us the quote of the night, though: “After everything that has happened, the Muppet theme song has helped out so much.”
Vanilla Ice and Witney Carson: 26/40
Married With Children
Witney’s Katey Sagal impression was on point but we really need Vanilla Ice to shave off that goatee so we can stand to look at his face.
Jake T. Austin and Jenna Johnson: ??
Go, Diego, Go
All the TVs we had access to cut out all of Jake’s dance, so…we’re just going to assume he went, Diego, went, and did pretty OK?
Amber Rose and Maks Chmerkovskiy: 24/40
Game of Thrones
“So much better than the Joffrey ballet.” That joke from Tom Bergeron is our favorite thing that has ever happened. As for the dancing though, we could barely see it through all the Game of Thrones-ian smoke and props and stuff.
Marilu Henner and Derek Hough: 29/40
Taxi
Is it mean that we laughed at Derek struggling to choreograph to the Taxi theme song? The dance worked in the end, but when Andy Kaufman failed to pop up and reveal that he’s been alive this whole time and was just waiting for a Taxi-themed dance on DWTS to make his return, we lost some interest.
Jana Kramer and Gleb Savchenko: 29/40
One Tree Hill
Any time you get Gavin DeGraw to sing the One Tree Hill theme, we’re here for it, though we actually winced every time she moved. How she managed to get through that routine without crying, we may never know.
Maureen McCormick and Artem Chigvintsev: 26/40
The Brady Bunch
Having Florence Henderson on hand to actually play Carol Brady almost felt like cheating, but we don’t even care. We saw Marcia Brady on that dance floor and it was awesome.
Terra Jole and Sasha Farber: 31/40
Bewitched
Adorable, from the moves to the nose wiggle. Not so adorable? Sasha’s “universal Dick” comment.
Calvin Johnson and Lindsay Arnold: 28/40
Family Matters theme
Calvin may be about 3 feet taller than Urkel was, but he played the part well. A little too well. That was the most we’ve ever been attracted to Urkel. And then actual Urkel, Jaleel White, showed up to surprise him?! That was a lot and we loved all of it.
James Hinchcliffe and Sharna Burgess: 29/40
The Walking Dead
Did the judges just watch the same zombified paso doble that we did? Apparently not, because if they did, they would have given it better than mostly 7’s. Rude.
Laurie Hernandez and Val Chmerkovskiy: 32/40
Duck Tales
Laurie’s presence on this show really just isn’t fair to the other contestants. She’s already fantastic to the point where it’s just weird that the judges aren’t giving her 9’s and 10’s.
Best: Babyface and Allison Holker: 30/40
The X-Files
Filing this away for our future wedding dance because that was the coolest thing we’ve ever seen and Babyface KILLED IT.
Who was your favorite? Sound off in the comments!
Dancing with the Stars airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
