Living a beautiful life — the ‘Martha & Snoop Dogg’ way

When you are an undomestic ungoddess, lifestyle shows are the ultimate in aspirational viewing. “Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner” brings together lifestyle maven Martha Stewart and hip-hop legend/weed aficionado Snoop Dogg so we can see what it’s like when these wildly different people with completely disparate lives team up and host their own cooking show!

Just kidding: Martha and Snoop aren’t actually all that different. They’ve both been to jail, they’re both super rich, and apparently they both like to cook.

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Regardless of the show’s premise, Snoop, Martha, and their various guests have so much to teach us about hosting and attending a dinner party in the modern era. Here are just some of their valuable entertaining tips imparted in the first three episodes, as well as a look at what could happen if you applied these techniques to your real, unglamorous life.

Vodka Makes Everything Better — Even a Painful Demise

Martha drops this pearl of wisdom in the premiere episode when she’s talking about her preferred butchering technique — which involves feeding vodka to chickens before divesting them of their heads. A theme begins to emerge the following week, when she pours a hefty amount of vodka into the pot where she’s boiling lobsters alive just before she plops the lid down.

If you live in an apartment or a neighborhood with a Homeowner’s Association that has particularly strict rules involving bringing livestock home, butchering your own chicken is probably out of the question. But you can still enjoy vodka — and the thrill of the chase. Simply order a buffalo chicken pizza to be delivered to your apartment, drink a glass or five of vodka, and chase your cats around until your pizza arrives. If your downstairs neighbors complain, tell them Martha Stewart said it was okay. Offer them some of your vodka, if you have any left, as a nice neighborly gesture. Vodka fixes everything. Martha says so.

Always Bring a Thoughtful Gift for the Hostess

In the opening episode, Wiz Khalifa brought a giant bag full of his special line of weed, Khalifa’s Kush. Seth Rogen’s gift tied in nicely thematically: A portable fire extinguisher with a festive bow, the perfect gift for anyone prone to starting fires. Supermodel Ashley Graham, in the second episode, brought a bra from her new lingerie line which she’d just worn in a runway show for the line the day before. Each of these gifts is quite personal, and you could certainly try and emulate them the next time you’re invited for dinner.

If you don’t have your own premium line of kush, perhaps a gift bag full of half-empty bottles of Nyquil, expired prescription medication, and several unopened bottles of Robitussin capsules would be a good substitute. Use your judgment, though: this hostess gift may not be appreciated in a law-enforcement household. The gift of a slightly worn bra is trickier to pull off. Do you smell like a freshly perfumed lingerie model, or a sweaty mom who may have popcorn kernels in your cleavage. Buttery bras may not be appreciated, especially if the hostess isn’t rocking the postpartum 36-DDD. You’d better stick with the fire extinguisher. It’s jaunty and pragmatic and probably doesn’t imply anything bad about your host’s cooking skills.

Don’t Be Afraid to Rewrite the Rules

In the premiere episode, Snoop serves himself first when it’s time for his and Martha’s dueling fried chicken recipes to go head to head: He normally believes in ladies first, he says, but when it comes to chicken there are no rules. This is excellent advice and can be applied to all areas of your life.

Are you: At a wedding reception?
You don’t have to wait your turn, that’s coq au vin up there. So what if you’re the plus one of the groom’s second cousin’s former roommate? Don’t spend your precious chicken time waiting until they up Table 87: Assert your birthright, get that chicken.

Are you: In an annoying deli line?
If there are more than two but less than nine people milling around the Publix counter with no discernible line, you have two options: You could be polite and ask if someone’s waiting on the chicken — or you could elbow your way to the front of the line and demand the last juicy, perfectly seasoned breast. Don’t be discouraged when the assistant night manager escorts you out of the store as you clutch your chicken breast victoriously. “Snoop Dogg says there are no rules when it comes to chicken!” you’ll shout triumphantly, as the local police issue you a trespass order forbidding you from entering that Publix again. There are other Publixes, with better layouts! You are still a winner!

Are you: Getting between Snoop and his chicken?
Sorry, that’s the one rule. Don’t do it. He won’t give you the Martha treatment we see below, but he will be disappointed in your etiquette, and you will absolutely regret it later. “How was your dinner with Snoop Doggy Dogg?” your mother-in-law or life coach will ask, and you’ll have nothing lovely to relate.

“…I rewrote the rules,” you’ll mumble into your cowlneck sweater or clenched fist. “The rules of chicken.”

RELATED: How Martha can get more out of online dating in 2016

Handle Unruly Guests With A Firm Hand

This is important. There are a lot of moving parts to this one.

First you have that guy at the party who has too much to drink and gets a little handsy — or if you are Martha Stewart, you may have invited Rick Ross, who gets a lot handsy, regardless of whether or not he’s had a lot to drink. You can handle it like Martha handled that in second episode by avoiding confrontation and playing along with the flirtation, spooning lobster thermidor into your would-be paramour’s mouth, graciously accepting massages, and making pointed innuendos about the size of his boat…

OR. You could handle it like the Martha of the third episode, who — when a guest asked about a hypothetical sister’s hypothetical boyfriend putting his hypothetical Thanksgiving hand on your all-too-real thigh — demonstrated how vigorously she would stab him in the hand (or elsewhere) with her dinner fork.

Bodily autonomy is our greatest gift and it must be defended. You might try and explain why your guest’s actions are inappropriate, you may decide polite horror is the better part of valor if it is Rick Ross, or you may be called upon to emulate Martha’s vicious and precise fork-stabbing technique.

Just remember that everything is a trade-off: Your would-be suitor may press charges for the stabbing and you could serve time — again, Martha is here to lead by example. If you feel like prison is imminently in your future, simply grab a large piece of sheet metal and stand outside in a thunderstorm.

Martha’s been to prison, but as she revealed in the first episode, she’s also been struck by lightning three times — so if you want to become as strong as Martha, be sure to supercharge before going behind bars. Worst case scenario you are dead, best case scenario you come off parole and become best friends with Snoop Dogg — and isn’t that the real American dream?

“Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party” airs Mondays at 10 p.m. ET/PT on vh1 — which has just granted it a second season!

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