News Briefs: All My Children and One Life to Live Are Officially Dead

RANDOM NOTES

… If it sounded like an unlikely scenario when you first heard that canceled ABC soaps One Life to Live and All My Children would live on as web-only series, then congratulations: Your instincts were correct and you may have an illustrious career ahead of you as a TV programming executive. The numbers just didn’t add up, and the projects are dead. Sorry, fans. It’s time to begin the grieving process. (Though I think a return to their origins, as radio serials, might be an interesting idea. Satellite radio dramas: The hot new thing! Anyone? Anyone?) [THR]

… In happier soap news, J.R. Martinez, former star of All My Children, won Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday. The Iraq war vet will also co-host a series of specials on CNN about heroes. Martinez is my hero, simply for making sure a Kardashian did not take home the DWTS Disco Ball. [eurweb]

… The hand-wringing prisses of the Parents Television Council have released their annual list of “best and worst advertisers,” i.e. companies that bought ad time during shows the PTC feels are were far too prurient for children’s eyes. Shield your eyes, children! American Express, General Motors, and Target top the Worst list. We wish the PTC the best of luck in its ongoing censorship efforts, and encourage you to boycott all the products on their Best list. Wait, we mean Worst list? Oh, screw it—just ban and block everything. That will definitely turn our children into model American citizens! [THR]

… Michele Bachmann would like an apology from NBC, because The Roots played “Lyin’ Ass Bitch” as her intro music on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. First of all, Questlove, what the hell were you thinking? Secondly, Bachmann (and I’m gagging a bit as I say this) is right. She does deserve an apology. Questlove, I blame you for making me sympathize with Michele “Gays Are Part of Satan” Bachmann. [EW]

… The Bachelor/Bachelorette shows have produced two lasting couples. Out of 22 seasons. Compared to internet dating, though, those are pretty good odds. [toofab via tvtattle]

DEAL TIME

… Howard Stern is reportedly serious about taking Piers Morgan’s place on NBC’s America’s Got Talent. His conditions are steep: A $ 20 million paycheck and moving the show to New York. Would NBC actually consider disturbing the delicate, L.A.-based chemistry of this beloved franchise just to please Stern? Hopefully! He’d almost make it a show worth watching. [NY Post]

… Melanie Griffiths’ triumphant return to acting will come courtesy of Lifetime, where she’ll star opposite 24’s Jeffrey Nording on American Housewife. The show, executive produced by Griffiths and Antonio Banderas (those two make it work, against all odds!), is about “a seemingly perfect housewife living the American dream in an affluent neighborhood, married to a wealthy, up-and-coming politician.” Ah, but all is not what it appears on its surface; right, Lifetime: Television for Secretly Battered or Murderous Women? [Deadline]

… ABC has purchased a pitch from Tom Sherak, president of the Motion Picture Academy (the Oscars people), based on his own life. We’ll Be Out By Christmas is about a couple whose adult daughter, husband, and three kids move back in with them as the son-in-law studies for his MBA. [Deadline]

CAST AWAY

… Actor/comedian T.J. Miller, who viral-video’d himself to a role in the Yogi Bear movie, will play the lead in Little Brother, a Fox pilot from SNL vet and Men of a Certain Age creator Mike Royce. It’s about “a man who finds out that he has a half-brother (Miller) he never knew about who also happens to be an ex-con.” [Deadline]

… Dana Delany, Kyle MacLachlan, and Andrea Bowen will all return to Desperate Housewives to reprise their roles in the show’s final season. [TVLine]

… There is no shortage of male celebs ready to step in for Regis Philbin: Jerry O’Connell and Josh Groban will both return for guest engagements, while Dancing With the Stars dancer Derek Hough and Jonah Hill will make their debuts. As if you needed more reasons to sleep in. [THR]