‘True Blood’ – ‘Gone Gone Gone’: If that wasn’t the best vampire staking ever, I’ll eat Sookie’s Chinese takeout

The latest episode of “True Blood,” “Gone Gone Gone,” made us fall in love with Jason Stackhouse (Ryan Kwanten) all over again.

Not that we ever stopped (don’t be ridiculous), but his poignant farewell to Hoyt (Jim Parrack) had us blubbering like a pre-vampire Tara.

Hoyt, tired of being the hypotenuse of a love triangle with Jessica ( Deborah Ann Woll) and Jason, asks his ex-girlfriend (aka the “Cheeto-headed tramp,” if you’re asking Hoyt’s mom Maxine) to meet him at Merlotte’s. Before heading to Alaska for a new career in oil riggery, he has one final favor of his ex-girlfriend: to glamour away his pain.

Jessica and Jason both wept as she erased Hoyt’s memories of them, but Jason was disconsolate. Jess and Hoyt found (and lost) each other only recently, but Jason and Bubba were friends from childhood — bros before Cheetos and whatnot.

And when Officer Stackhouse later stopped Hoyt on his way out of town — well, just thinking about that scene, and Jason sobbing in his sister’s arms afterward, hurts like a stake in the heart.

Jason also stole the spotlight in the show’s lighthearted scenes. (Yes, this recap is a love letter to Jason Stackhouse. Accept it and move on.) When his sleuthing skills uncovered the real clue under their Gran’s bed — a fairy scroll that revealed some Very Bad News — you could almost see him wagging his tail with glee.

So about that scroll. (We’ll get to the vampires soon, but are they really that interesting?) Turns out the Stackhouses’ ancestor, one John William Stackhouse, basically sold Sookie’s (Anna Paquin) soul to the devil — i.e., the vampire who killed her parents — way back in 1702. Here’s hoping we find out in the last two episodes what John William got in return for sacrificing his family’s first female fairy — and what this means for Sookie.

As for those vampires, we’re so over Bill’s (Stephen Moyer)
Messiah complex and the rest of the Authority sycophants. Here’s how Alan Ball can leave his show on a high note: with Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) really faking his born-again allegiance and true-deathing everyone in the Authority, starting with Bill. (Daddy day-care would really help out Moyer’s real-life wife after their baby is born. Think of the children!) He can spare Russell and Steve, because they’re such a cute couple.

And with Bill dead, Jessica won’t be commanded into doing anything terrible, like turning Jason into a vampire. That is simply unacceptable.

Back to what actually happened in “Gone Gone Gone”: Bill staked tech geek Molly; Sam and Luna, trying to rescue Emma, snuck into the Authority as mice in Steve’s briefcase; Russell Edgington delivered a wacky “I Want the Sun” sermon in a bizarre French accent; Andy and Holly enjoyed a romantic dinner at Merlotte’s, courtesy of Lafayette; Tara whipped out a sword, her best Butterfly McQueen impression and a whole lotta badassery and killed the vampire sheriff in Fangtasia; and toe-sucking Coroner Mike (John Billingsley) turned into a vampire and tried to kill Sookie.

Mike will always be remembered as “True Blood’s” most inventive and enjoyable vampire staking, because he called while Sookie was indulging in some Chinese take-out. Just as she was about to become Mike’s supper, she reached in the bag, ripped open the chopsticks and stabbed him through his newly turned vampire heart.

The result? A Mike chop suey special, splattered all over Sookie’s living room. As Sheriff Andy pointed out, it’s a good thing she didn’t order pizza.

Photo/Video credit: HBO