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The New Kids
The New Kids
Abby McWilliams’ (Lori Loughlin, TV’s “Full House”) nightmare begins when she attracts the unwanted attention of teenage psychopath Eddie Dutra (James Spader, TV’s “Boston Practice”). Turned down for a date, Eddie destroys Abby’s home, vandalizes her uncle’s car and nearly stomps her brother Loren (Shannon Presby) to death. But it’s only when he kidnaps Abby from the school dance, that Eddie shows his true feelings. Fueled by cocaine and armed with a shotgun, Eddie’s lust turns to uncontrollable rage, as he takes Abby on a date from hell, in this terror-packed thrill-ride from the director of Friday the 13th and A Stranger is Watching.
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Donkey Dick
September 29, 2011 at 6:22 pm
SPADER 4 LIFE,
Simply put, this movie rules. You’ve got James Spader. You’ve got Lori Laughlin. You’ve got Sean S. Cunningham directing, and he not only produced HOUSE IV: HOME DEADLY HOME, he also produced LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, and directed some movie called FRIDAY THE 13TH.
But the kicker, and the reason I really sought it out, is novelist Harry Crews’ involvement. After some research, I’ve found it difficult to determine exactly how much he had to do with the script. He’s not credited, but is thanked in the end credits. Stephen Gyllenhaal and Brian Taggart get screenwriter nods, but in an old Crews interview, he mentions, “I wrote this script called THE NEW KIDS” (but that’s all there is of the interview, the snippet posted on his website). So who knows. Actually, I’m sure there’s someone fatter and uglier than me out there who knows, and assuming the person surely doesn’t have anything better to do, they should contact me with more information.
THE NEW KIDS has nothing to do with Crews novels like “A Feast of Snakes” or “Car” or “The Knockout Artist,” all humorously grotesque (sometimes stomach-churning) portraits of bizarro Southern life, which makes his direct involvement even more suspect. But it is a better-than-expected genre picture. Just look at what you get!
1) James Spader in speedo underwear.
2) James Spader doing a really bad, on-again-off-again Southern accent.
3) James Spader snorting cocaine in his van while his gang of cretins run around outside, dousing Lori Laughlin with lighter fluid and taunting her with lit matches in an attempt to get her to submit to a good, Southern-style gang rape.
4) Some dude named Shannon who plays a character named Loren.
5) Death by Ferris wheel.
6) Death by bumper cars.
7) Death by house of mirrors (in a super-lame LADY FROM SHANGHAI “homage”).
8) Death by roller coaster.
9) A Lori Laughlin shower scene where you can clearly see, numerous times, her flesh-colored bikini hiding her wares from the filmmakers.
10) Eric Stoltz getting called “faggot.”
Still not convinced? Well, there’s nothing more I can do. If you require a plot description, you’re already on the internet, so why don’t you take some initiative?
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