During my senior year in high school, I took a trip to Panama City, Florida in the hopes of joining the ridiculous spectacle that is spring break. It wasn’t quite the hyper-sexualized booze and drug-filled event that I was expecting to see, but it was close. Granted, at the time, my expectations were sky high, having learned everything about spring break from those ridiculous “Girls Gone Wild” commercials they would play on Comedy Central after midnight. In fact, what I expected to see was something along the lines of what goes down in “Spring Breakers,” this year’s biggest shitshow of a film (and I don’t mean that as a negative).
The movie follows four hard-partying college girls who will do whatever it takes — including robbing a diner — to make enough money to go on spring break, where they can drink and snort coke and shoot guns and have sex (seriously, this film probably broke the record for number of breasts in a movie, and also reaffirmed that when I have kids I will never let them out of the house). On top of two very out-of-character performances from stars Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens, the highlight of this movie is James Franco, who plays Alien (yep, that’s his name!), a dreaded-out wannabe rapper who loves “bitches” and “guns.” If Chet Haze and Kevin Federline were going to have a love child, you’d end up with something along the lines of Franco’s Alien. Almost everything he says in this movie is completely nuts (even for Franco’s standards).
So! Let’s take a look at some of his more ridiculous quotes from what’s guaranteed to be this year’s biggest party on the big screen, “Spring Breakers.”
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“My name’s Alien my real name is Al, but truf be told, I am not from this planet y’all”
“Why y’all acting susssspiciousss?”
“You know what they’re all bout? Double penetration y’all.”
“I was just thinking, maybe you were doing all that praying and I’m the answer to your prayers.”
“Spriinnnnngggg breaaaakkkkkk”
“Shit! I am fuckin’ made of money. Look at my fuckin’ teeth! They should call me money.”
“I keep it gangsta! GANGSTAAAAA”
“I straight hustle! I am a hustler.”
“I’ve done about eryy illegal activity under the sun. I am a G.”
“Y’all be careful of that water. Lots of sharks out there… Bunch of vicious motherfuckas out there just lurking. Lurrrrrking. LURRRRKING.”
“Close my eyes, every time I look, they are like old fashion bitches, straight out of a book.”
“Some kids want to be president, others want to be a doctor. I just want to be baaaad.”
“SPRIINNNNNNNNNG BREAKKKKKKKKKK”
“Some people tell me I got to change. But I am ’bout stacking change.”
“This is my fuckin’ dream y’all. I got shit! I got fuckin’ shorts y’all! I got ‘Scarface’ on repeat y’all! I got Calvin Klein Escape!”
“Look at my sheeeit! I am a fuckin’ nightmare in this motherfucker. I am the fuckin’ Death Star!”
“LOOK AT MY SHEEEEIT! I GOT MY FUCKIN’ NUMCHUCKS.”
“I just sucked both y’all’s dicks”
“Y’all my motherfuckin’ soul mates, swear to god. I just fell in love with y’all
[Singing] “Four little chickies came down to da beach. Four little chickies gout of my reach. One little chickie got shot in the arm. That little chickie went back to the farm.”
“SPRINNNG BREAAKKKKKKKKKKKKK FOREVAAAAAA”
