“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” which hits theaters this Friday, brings to life what everyone already knew to be true: Before he became the great emancipator, our 16th President was out slayin’ vampires!
This film certainly won’t be the last time Hollywood takes liberties with American history. Which means, it’s time for studios to set their sights on the next ridiculously skewed historical lesson involving our most famous politicos. Why couldn’t Benjamin Franklin take on a Predator? Why can’t Thomas Edison fight ghosts? Why can’t we put Eleanor Roosevelt into a romantic comedy? All valid questions.
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Audiences are at the beginning of an entertaining, educational wave of new films involving historical fan fiction, and here are nine pitches for movies Hollywood could (but probably won’t) make.
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Bare Knuckle Van Buren
<strong>Tagline:</strong> Before he can become our eighth president, he has to last eight rounds. <strong>Plot:</strong> <em>Election year, 1836.</em> It’s the thick of the race and Martin Van Buren thinks he’s guaranteed victory. However, dark-horse candidate Herb McLinsky, a popular senator from Massachusetts, emerges to challenge Van Buren’s shot at the presidency. Martin knows he doesn’t stand a chance in the debates, so he takes it to the ring by challenging McLinsky to a winner-take-all boxing match. <strong>Quote:</strong> “And there he goes! Van Buren’s taking a swing for the voters.” – Announcer
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Thomas Edison, Ghostbuster
<strong>Tagline:</strong> The Wizard of Menlo Park has to save Manhattan. <strong>Plot:</strong> The famous American inventor and businessman is on hand to celebrate the opening of one of his brand new power stations on Manhattan Island, New York, when something goes terribly wrong. There is a tremendous power surge, and Edison unintentionally sets free three ancient spirits who cause havoc around the city. With the help of his children Madeleine, Charles and Theodore Miller, Thomas invents the first proton packs in an attempt to send the ghosts packing. <strong>Quote:</strong> “Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nice percent perspiration. Ghostbusting’s one-hundred percent fun.” – Thomas Edison
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Paul Revere & the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
<strong>Tagline:</strong> He’s in for the ride of his life. <strong>Plot:</strong> By day, mild-mannered Paul Revere is a silversmith, industrialist and patriot of the American Revolution. But at night, he is a God-fearing man, awaiting the Apocalypse, which comes in the form of four red and black horses. No one listens to him until the fateful night arrives. It’s up to him to alert the townspeople — “The Horsemen are coming! The Horsemen are coming!” — and save the day. <strong>Quote:</strong> “One if by land, two if by sea, three if by air. If there’s four of them? Run like hell, boy, it’s the end of the world.” – Paul Revere
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The Devil & FDR
<strong>Tagline:</strong> He made a New Deal with the Devil. <strong>Plot:</strong> Franklin Delano Roosevelt took over the presidency during dark days. With America suffering through the Great Depression and Germany rising to power again, FDR does what he must to restore America’s economy, by making a deal with the Devil. <strong>Quote:</strong> “We do what has to be done… even if it means three consecutive terms.” – FDR
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Theodore Roosevelt, Caped Crusader
<strong>Tagline:</strong> Can a Nobel Peace Prize winner still fight crime? <strong>Plot:</strong> Before he was President, Theodore Roosevelt was just a rough-and-tumble, restless VP. However, crime’s on the rise in turn-of-the-century America, and he’s tired of hearing the reports of delinquency and violence. After long days in the Oval Office, Teddy decides to take to the streets in his cape and mask. <strong>Quote:</strong> “Speak softly and carry a big stick. Then smack ‘em with it.” – Theodore Roosevelt
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Benjamin Franklin vs. Predator
<strong>Tagline:</strong> The First American holds the key to our survival. <strong>Plot:</strong> It’s a blustery, stormy day: the perfect time for one of Benjamin Franklin’s many fabled experiments. But when his key on a kite is struck by lightning, thereby signaling an aggressive alien craft to land on Earth, Franklin, Samuel Adams, and the other ragtag patriots have a whole lot more than a revolution on their hands. <strong>Quote:</strong> “I’ve had it with these mother*cking Predators in my motherf*cking colony.” – Benjamin Franklin
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Washington Hunts the Werewolf
<strong>Tagline:</strong> Don’t you dare cross the Delaware. <strong>Plot:</strong> It’s Christmas night, and Washington and his troops are settling into dinner and drinks when they hear a terrible growl and a scream. There’s blood on the fresh snow, a full moon out, and grim General Washington knows it can mean only one thing: a Werewolf is loose. He assembles his troops, and they track the beast through woods and across rivers in a fateful night that turns the tide of the Revolutionary War. <strong>Quote: </strong>”We thought werewolves couldn’t cross water… how wrong we were.” – George Washington
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The Matchmaker Eleanor Roosevelt
<strong>Tagline:</strong> The First Lady wants first dibs. <strong>Plot:</strong> In this heartfelt romantic comedy, Eleanor learns what it means to love again. FDR, her husband since 20, has just admitted to an affair. In a noble turn for America’s most famous First Lady, she busies herself from her heartbreak by working to find spouses for all of her children and learns in the process that you’re never too old to find love again. <strong>Quote:</strong> “Do what you feel in your heart to be right – especially if he’s a looker.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
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Founding Fathers: The First Stand
<strong>Tagline:</strong> United We Stand. Divided isn’t an option. <strong>Plot: </strong>The United States stands strong after the Revolutionary War, unified and prosperous. But when unidentified beings start attacking farms in the countryside, the Founding Fathers know that they have no choice but take a stand and fight back. <strong>Quote:</strong> “Liberty, when it begins to take root, is a plant of rapid growth. And I ain’t letting these aliens into our garden.” – George Washington
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