At midnight, I saw a movie that you may or may not see. But probably not. The name of the movie that I saw is called ‘Shark Night 3D.’ As you may or may not be able to tell from the title of this movie, there are sharks involved and there are scenes that take place at night. Should you exchange the currency that you earned at your job for being allowed to sit in a room and watch ‘Shark Night 3D’? As a service, we answered every single question that you could possibly have about ‘Shark Night 3D.’
Q: How did you see ‘Shark Night 3D’? I thought the movie wasn’t being screened for the press?
A: I paid $ 18 to see a midnight showing of ‘Shark Night 3D’ this morning.
Q: How many people were at your midnight showing of ‘Shark Night 3D’?
A: Other than me, one.
Q: What is the first thing you wrote down in your notepad as you were watching ‘Shark Night 3D’?
A: “This is stupid.”
Q: ‘Shark Night 3D’ has to know that it’s bad, right? Doesn’t that make it ironically good?
A: That’s such a bullsh*t excuse. That’s like saying, “John Tesh is an assh*le, but he knows that he’s an assh*le, so that makes John Tesh a nice guy. (Note: I have no idea if John Tesh is an assh*le or not)
Q: So the studio behind ‘Shark Night 3D’ made the right decision by refusing to screen this movie for the press?
A: The studio behind ‘Shark Night 3D’ would have been wise to take it a step further and refuse to screen it for the general public, too.
Q: Who should ‘Shark Night 3D’ have been screened for?
A: The cast and crew? Maybe? Perhaps young children and small animals? You know, not quite sentient creatures that will have no idea what they are looking at.
Q: What is ‘Shark Night 3D’ about?
A: Seriously, in all honesty, do you care?
A: Let’s just say that it involves a lake, some college kids, some sharks and Donal Logue, for some reason.
Q: How many people get eaten by sharks in ‘Shark Night 3D’?
Q: How many people get eaten by sharks in ‘Open Water,’ a movie we are supposed to take halfway seriously?
A: Only five less than what is supposed to be the absolute carnage of ‘Shark Night 3D.’
Q: I bet those were really gory deaths though, right?
A: ‘Shark Night 3D’ is a PG-13 movie — so, no.
Q: How are seven people eaten by sharks during the course of a film without it being gory?
A: ‘Shark Night 3D’ uses a lot of first person “Oh, the shark is coming right at me!” camera angles. After the shark basically attacks the camera, the scene then switches to a shot of red lake water, which, I assume, is supposed to represent blood.
Watch the trailer for ‘Shark Night 3D’
Q: How many minutes were you into ‘Shark Night 3D’ before you Tweeted at your boss that you wanted a raise?
Q: Was ‘Shark Night 3D’ more enjoyable because it was in 3D?
A: No. Actually, ‘Shark Night 3D’ would have been more enjoyable if presented with the “length” dimension only.
Q: Are there any redeemable qualities to ‘Shark Night 3D?”
A: To be fair, a decent portion of the film does take place with our characters at a location on Earth that is facing away from our nearest star. So the “Night” portion of the title is not false advertising.
Q: I have to ask: why are there sharks in this lake?
A: The lake that the sharks are in is a salt-water lake. And it has something to do with a twisted plan to make an event that’s better than ‘March of the Penguins,’ Shark Week on The Discovery Channel and ‘Faces of Death.’
Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s commercials for ‘Shark Night 3D,’ what quote do you think will be used?
A: “Better than ‘March of the Penguins’!” Mike Ryan, Moviefone
Q: How many Morgan Freeman references are in ‘Shark Night 3D’?
Q: What’s the most oft-repeated theme of ‘Shark Night 3D’?
A: The recurring jealous antagonism from the locals against our main characters for being “college pricks.”
Q: How much jealous antagonism has ever been directed at you for being a graduate of a Big XII school?
Q: Without looking, can you remember one character’s name from ‘Shark Night 3D?’
A: I think there is a Rick? Maybe a Chloe?
Q: After looking on IMDB, is there a character named Rick or a character named Chloe in ‘Shark Night 3D’?
A: No. The characters that I was thinking of were named Nick and Maya.
Q: How many times so far have you typed the name of this movie as ‘Shark Knight 3D’?
A: Five times.
Q: Wait, is that the movie with all the leaked set photos from the paparazzi?
A: You’re thinking of ‘Shark Knight Rises.”
Q: What is the last thing that you wrote down in your notepad as you were watching ‘Shark Night 3D’?
A: Actually, it’s one of those little three-dimensional cubes that usually results from boredom.
You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.
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