It’s controversial opinion time. If you want ham and cheese, there’s Anthony Hopkins’ Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs. If you want a quietly menacing (and believable) depiction of a cannibalistic serial killer, there’s Brian Cox’s Hannibal Lecter in Manhunter. With his sonorous voice, gleaming wit, and Scottish brogue, the versatile actor has has made his mark in a number of films, from popcorn flicks (X2: X-Men United) to Oscar-winners (Braveheart).

In this Funny or Die skit, Cox plays esteemed author William St. Bromms, who teaches a master class on how to write the perfect novelization of a film. He recites excerpts from some of his greatest novelizations to inspire his students, which also leaves us in hysterics.

“Indiana Jones is money. He’s running. He’s running from the rock. . . . He sees the men and the stick knives, and he’s scared,” Cox’s Bromms tells us regarding his Raiders of the Lost Ark adaptation. The overly simple and obvious prose gets a bit unhinged from there. “Buildings! Buildings! Buildings!” makes up Bromms’ Manhattan novelization. And then there’s Boogie Nights: “This guy is doing the girl. You can’t see his boner, but it’s in her. You can see her nipples.” Cox’s Manhunter gets a little shout-out, too.

We can envision Cox as Bromms finding a career in audiobook narration à la Samuel L. Jackson’s Go the F**k to Sleep. Can someone make that a reality, please?

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