Congratulations and welcome to your weekend. Obviously the main event is the two days of restfulness, but hopefully you’ll enjoy THESE party favors as well:

What to watch on Friday, January 20…

8pm, NBC
In “Chuck Versus the Bullet Train,” our hero and Sarah infiltrate a Japanese bullet train in order to bring down Nicholas Quinn. Meanwhile Casey must make a monumental decision, but that’s Casey for you. I mean, what else is new in the Casey department, am I right?

9pm, Fox
Picking up from last week, Peter’s still in the alternate universe and he must team up with the alternate Fringe division in order to confront a powerful new adversary. But you probably already knew this. (Or maybe your alternate does.)

Shark Tank
Mark Cuban returns to our living rooms tonight as he presides over another round of pitches for million-dollar ideas. Tonight he’ll hear a pitch from NBA Hall-of-Famer Will Walton and triathlete Dave Meyer regarding sports-themed products, in addition to pitches for businesses involving celebrity ghostwriting, online funeral planning, and VIP access to nightclubs. Great ideas only, basically.

10pm, Syfy
We’ve all had birthdays that didn’t go according to plans and that includes King Arthur himself. Tonight you’ll learn all about the time he tried to have a nice birthday party but was instead targeted for assassination!

10pm, IFC
Among other ripe topics for satire, Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein set their sights on the “cool wedding” and also in-store book signings.

Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox
Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 8 p.m., Cartoon Network
America’s Most Wanted, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Gold Rush, 9 p.m., Discovery
Grimm, 9 p.m., NBC
Primetime: What Would You Do?, 9 p.m., ABC
The JB Smoove Stand-Up Playlist, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9 p.m., Comedy Central
The Life and Times of Tim, 9 p.m., HBO
Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, 9 p.m., TBS
On Freddie Roach, SERIES PREMIERE, 9:30 p.m., HBO
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Confessions: Animal Hoarding, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Dateline NBC, 10 p.m., NBC
Deadly Women, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Dr. G: Medical Examiner, 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Four Weddings, 10 p.m., TLC
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, 10:30 p.m., IFC
Marvel Anime: Blade, 11 p.m., G4

Dana Carvey on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Joan Rivers on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Loretta Devine on The Wendy Williams Show, 12 a.m., BET
Steven Tyler on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Terrence Howard on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC

What to watch on Saturday, January 21…

ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Lifetime
Drew Peterson: Untouchable
A lot of people were caught off guard by the trailer for this thing. Is Lifetime turning into a comedy channel now? Rob Lowe, in that mustache, repeating his new catchphrase, “I’m untouchable, b*tch.” That is hilarious! Anyway, turns out this is just another ripped-from-the-headlines story of a famous murderer. Who cares, it looks good. Perhaps even We Watched It For You good…

Snow Beast
There’s also this offering from Syfy, in which a scientist and his team attempt to study a rare species of lynx but instead fall prey to a mysterious predator. (Sorry, Syfy. This just doesn’t seem ridiculous enough. Just my two cents. As opposed to your two cents, which you spent on this movie.)

SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10pm, Science
An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List
Although an argument could be made that Ricky Gervais’ career has become overly reliant upon making fun of Karl Pilkington, a stronger argument could be made that the resulting projects are hilarious. Here’s the second series of the travelogue series in which Pilkington is sent around the world to fulfill a predetermined bucket list that he is NOT happy about.

Cops, 8 p.m., Fox
My Cat From Hell, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Austin City Limits: Fleet Foxes & Joanna Newsom, 9 p.m., PBS
Oddities, 9 p.m., Science
The Fades, 9 p.m., BBC America
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
JB Smoove: That’s How I Dooz It, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 10 p.m., Comedy Central
Graham Norton Show, 10 p.m., BBC America
Would You Rather? With Graham Norton, 11 p.m., BBC America

What to watch on Sunday, January 22…

8pm, ABC
Once Upon a Time
Snow White’s all frowny-faced about Prince Charming’s upcoming wedding to the daughter of King Midas, and in Storybrooke a mysterious stranger arouses the suspicions of Emma and Regina, the #1 Ladies Detective Agency (Storybrooke chapter).

9pm, NBC
Prime Suspect
Do you believe in ghosts? What about ghosts of dead shows? Haha, gotcha. Yeah here are two new episodes of the definitely canceled Prime Suspect. No idea why this show didn’t catch on with more viewers, but the first episode involves the rape-murder of a young girl and the second episode involves a drive-by.

9pm, PBS
Downton Abbey
Things just keep getting sexier (J/K) as Isobel and Cora butt heads over the role of lead nurse (were there nurses back then?), Mrs. Bird opens a soup kitchen, and Matthew and William decide to venture behind enemy lines. Be ever so careful, young gentlemen. [British accent.]

10pm, HBO
Angry Boys
If you’ve been sticking with this ambitious Chris Lilley mockumentary series, you know that last week’s storylines entered more serious, emotional territory. That scene with Gran! Anyway, tonight the two new episodes deal with S.mouse performing a vulgar rap for elementary school students, Daniel’s forced bonding with a gay classmate, and Blake letting an ex-con buddy borrow his van.

10pm, Showtime
House of Lies
The slick, highly witty robots of House of Lies travel to Indiana to work with a huge beverage company. Meanwhile Clyde badgers Doug over a chance encounter with a transvestite. Then on the home front Roscoe deals with feelings for both a girl and a boy. Also Kristen Bell is in this.

Conjoined Twins: Separation Anxiety
Don’t pretend you’re above this. These specials are what make TLC so great! The title says it all, but specifically the twins in question are Maria and Teresa Tapia, conjoined toddlers from the Dominican Republic who travel to the United States for a complicated and dangerous separation surgery. Okay, maybe we shouldn’t watch this. What if it’s sad? Can you please just watch it and let me know if it goes all right? Thanks in advance.

60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America’s Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
Dateline NBC, 8 p.m., NBC
Little People, Big World: Zach’s New Love, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 8 p.m., TLC
Mob Wives, 8 p.m., VH1
Secrets of the Manor House, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 8 p.m., PBS
Undercover Boss, 8 p.m., CBS
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m., ABC
Hoarding: Buried Alive, 9 p.m., TLC
Oprah’s Next Chapter, 9 p.m., OWN
Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off, 9 p.m., Food Network
Shameless, 9 p.m., Showtime
The Real Housewives of Atlanta, 9 p.m., Bravo
American Idol, 10 p.m., Fox
Chef Roblé & Co., SEASON 1 FINALE, 10 p.m., Bravo
Finding Bigfoot, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Kourtney and Kim Take New York, 10 p.m., E!
Pan Am, 10 p.m., ABC
Californication, 10:30 p.m., Showtime
Baseball Wives, 12 a.m., VH1
Mary Shelley’s Frankenhole, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 12:15 a.m., Cartoon Network

What are you watching this weekend?

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