What to watch on Wednesday, January 4…

Tonight’s an especially good night to watch television if you’re rusty on the first three letters of the alphabet. Because ABC’s really bustin’ out its wares!

9:30pm, ABC
Happy Endings
Tonight Dave has objections when Penny decides to date his psychiatrist. Meanwhile Jane and Max have a competition to see which one can spend the longest amount of time wearing an unflattering outfit. Regardless of who wins, WE win, am I right? (Because this is a good show.)

8pm, CBS
I Get That a Lot
This is that weird hidden camera show in which celebrities take on blue collar jobs alongside regular people. Tonight Pamela Anderson sells unmentionables; Jerry Springer fills orders at the deli; NCIS‘s Pauley Perrette grooms dogs; and Dr. Drew Pinsky sells eyeglasses. It must be really heartwarming for the celebrities when they get to take off their aprons and return to their millionaire lifestyles.

10pm, ABC
The world’s greatest “Next time on…” teaser finally comes to fruition tonight when Daniel’s birthday is ruined by a very rude party crasher. Elsewhere, Charlotte gets mixed up in Conrad and Victoria’s divorce, plus one more of Emily’s schemes hits a snag. This show.

9pm, ABC
Modern Family
Tonight Manny’s hunky dad (Benjamin Bratt) shows up to take his son to the race track. Classic dad move. Plus Phil’s imagination goes morbid when his “lifetime” supply of razors runs out just in time for a doctor’s appointment.

8:30pm, ABC
What can I say? ABC’s kind of on fire tonight with its brand-new episodes. Anyway, in “Driving Miss Dalia,” Dalia hires her nemesis Tessa to help stalk her crush, but problems arise when Tessa finds herself interested in the guy too. Teenage stuff. Drive carefully, ladies! Ten and two.

The Middle, 8 p.m., ABC
Mobbed, 9 p.m., Fox
Sons of Guns, 9 p.m., Discovery
A Week in Real Time, BEHIND THE SCENES SPECIAL, 9:45 p.m., HBO
Dog the Bounty Hunter, 10 p.m., A&E
Hot in Cleveland, 10 p.m., TV Land
Moonshiners, SEASON 1 FINALE, 10 p.m., Discovery
State of Play, 10 p.m., BBC America
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Toddlers & Tiaras, 10 p.m., TLC
Top Chef: Texas, 10 p.m., Bravo
True Life, 10 p.m., MTV
The Exes, 10:30 p.m., TV Land

Brian Williams on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Ed Burns on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Emmy Rossum & Chris Isaak on Conan, 11 p.m., TBS
Octavia Spencer on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Tracy Morgan on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC

What are you watching tonight?

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