It’s been two weeks of American Horror Story: Roanoke, and our biggest question is still what the heck are these people still doing in this house?
We get the “life savings” thing and all, as well as the draw of a cool old house, but once dark corners start talking to children about how there’s too much blood after scary forest people roast a man like a pig (not to mention everything that went down last week), it seems like it’s time to GTFO.
And besides, if you’re two fully grown adults whose entire life savings are equal to $40,000, why are you spending it all at once on a house? Why aren’t you renting a nice one bedroom?
And why, when you know some terrifying s–t is going on, do you run outside to investigate at the first scary noise?
And while we’re at it, why does Kathy Bates always have a weird accent on this show?
These are the questions that haunted us during tonight’s episode as Matt, Shelby, and Lee continued to experience horrifying things in and out of their creepy old farmhouse.
Shelby came upon a human sacrifice in the woods, led by Bates. Lee’s visiting daughter made friends with a murderous invisible girl. Matt witnessed an old woman being shot in the head by two nurses, before all three of them disappeared. There were knives in the ceiling, there was a lady in the yard, there were bloody pig bits(?) nailed to the wall, and there was just a whole bunch of NOPE happening everywhere anyone looked.
At one point, Matt and Shelby found the entrance to a cellar outside, and oh-so-smartly decided to venture down into it. They found a camera, and a tape of Denis O’Hare freakin’ out about how he saw a bunch of crazy stuff in the house and decided to live in the cellar.
The guy on the tape was actually “Dr. Elias Cunningham,” a professor who had come to the house in 1997 to do research for a true crime novel. His subjects were two nurses, Miranda and Bridget—aka the sisters Matt had seen shooting the elderly woman in the head.
Apparently that was their thing. They opened their own assisted living facility so they could easily murder people whose names started with the letters in “murder,” which they would then write on a wall. Somehow, before they got to the second “R,” they were stopped by some creepy evil thing in the house.
Matt and Shelby then found those letters on the wall, covered by very easily removable wallpaper, and that was apparently the last straw.
They tried to get out of their house purchase by pointing out the fact that they were scammed into not knowing about the murderous nurses before they bought it, but the agent’s answer was basically “too bad, so sad.” But also…they didn’t know anything about the house before they bought it, and they bought it anyway, because they’re dum dums.
And yes, we’re spending all of our time pointing out how dumb the characters in this show are in order to distract from the parts that are scary. Luckily, while there are a lot of scary parts, everyone is also really very stupid.
Take, for instance, Lee, who stole her daughter back from her very angry ex-husband. He got upset because Lee had exposed Flora to a terrifying house full of murder, so Lee took Flora back to the terrifying house of murder, and what do you know? Flora was soon gone, and her sweatshirt found its way to the top of a very tall tree.
So like…that sucks, but it’s all your fault, Lee!
Anyway, we don’t know what’s happening, but this true crime reenactment thing is pretty fun. Or it will be, once we feel safe opening our eyes again.
American Horror Story airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.
