The mystery of the lost colony of Roanoke has been solved-ish!
According to American Horror Story, after the colony relocated in order to find food, they ended up on Roanoke Island, on the same land where the farmhouse now stands.
Everything was great, but only because of the human sacrifices the Butcher (Kathy Bates) was committing in order to keep everyone happy and fed, as she prayed to her god, Lady Gaga. One such human sacrifice included a little girl named Priscilla, AKA Flora’s friend.
The Butcher’s son (Wes Bentley) tried to bring up the fact that human sacrifices are rude, so with Lady Gaga’s encouragement, the Butcher decided to human sacrifice everybody, so they could all be servants to the blood moon for eternity or something.
But then the human sacrifices had to continue, so that’s what happened to everyone else who ever lived in the house, during the same six day lunar cycle in October every year, and now they’re all just dead and hanging out around the house, occasionally stealing little girls.
All of this was explained thanks to both Dr. Elias Cunningham (Denis O’Hare) and Cricket (Leslie Jordan), who both showed up just in time to help Matt (Cuba Gooding Jr.) and Shelby (Sarah Paulson) with their predicament before meeting their untimely deaths. Elias arrived to chase away the Pig Man, and then explained that he was the official guardian of the house. Matt and Shelby were only able to buy it because he could no longer pay the taxes, but he was still around, looking after it.
Unfortunately, that didn’t last long. After he and Matt and Shelby found Flora hanging out with all the human sacrifices, the Roanoke colonists showed up and filled his chest with arrows, meaning no one’s getting any more help from Dr. Elias.
Then, Cricket showed back up and offered his services, which mostly included finishing the story of the colony and how it came to be. He said he had a spell that could put the colonists down for good, but he just had to go get some stuff. So he grabbed an uber, propositioned the Uber driver, and then had to run off when he spotted Flora. Unfortunately, that was the end of him. He got Flora back to Matt and Shelby, but got himself disemboweled in the process.
While waiting for Cricket, Matt was drawn outside by a light in the cellar, and found crazy ghost witch Lady Gaga. He couldn’t resist her charms (because who can?) and found himself having sex with her again, while learning about where she came from.
We then learned that ghost witch Lady Gaga had been an English descendant of the druids and the Roman conquerors, and had stowed away on a ship on which most of the sailors died on the way to the new world. The sailors all thought it was her fault for being a woman aboard their ship, so they were going to burn her alive. She killed them instead, and the deaths got blamed on the natives.
So Matt finished having sex with the ghost witch to find the colonists with Flora outside. Priscilla allowed Shelby and Matt to grab Flora, who was fine, but was much more concerned about Cricket. That was when he was graphically disemboweled right before our eyes, and it was just so much fun.
So to recap: Lee is still in jail. Cricket is dead. Dr. Elias is dead. The pig man will be back. The Butcher killed all the colonists with evil fruit, but they still have to sacrifice whoever dares to live in that house every October. They want Matt and Shelby to leave, but Matt and Shelby are still stupid. Lady Gaga is a powerful old witch who just wants to have sex with Matt, and we still have yet to figure out how Evan Peters fits into all of this.
Did we get it all? Who do you think Evan Peters is going to end up playing? Sound off in the comments!
American Horror Story: Roanoke airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.
