‘Big Brother 13’ premiere: Evel Dick Donato, Rachel Reilly and more back in the house

“Big Brother 13” has started with a bang, as host Julie Chen dropped no less than three bombs on the contestants. We are so thrilled Evel Dick is back [*sarcasm*]. But let’s see how we got there …

Julie welcomes us and says the eight newbies are going to be forced to pick a partner to play the game with, then three former pairs are returning to play again. Not a huge shock, once they revealed the “Double Trouble”/”Dynamic Duo” twist when they announced the contestants.

I have no predictions as far as the pairs go, but having met the eight newbies – I really, really hope Kalie and Shelly team up. They were my faves by far.

Meet the New Hamsters

So in the intro packages, Dominic seems much more pathetic than he seemed in real life, with the “living with mom thing.” Cassi comes across as the sweet girl she seemed when I met her. Lawon is crazypants and I adore him. Keith is not fooling around when he says he’s either in church or chasing tail. That’s what he told me as well, which … OK.

Shelly seems much more redneck in her package than she seemed in real life. Adam is much more animated in his package than his interview, which was very low key. I do love him, though. Kalia, who was very articulate and smart when I interviewed her, comes across as a bit of a ditz, which is too bad. Porsche? Was my least favorite person in interviews and is my least favorite here. She’s used to being the hottest girl everywhere she goes? Really? ‘Cause you’re kind of a butterface. And Cassi the model is way hotter than you, Porsche. Also, does “VIP Cocktail Waitress” really mean high-class call girl?

At the house, Porsche, Dominic, Lawon and Shelly get to enter first, followed by Cassi, Adam, Keith and Kalia. Porsche talking-heads that the doctor helped her boobs. Oh, really? I Couldn’t tell that those gravity-defying softballs were not real.

In intros, Keith lies about his job, Adam is super charming, Porsche lies about her job and says she’s a student because she’s worried her job sounds “too luxurious.” Or they’ll think you’re a hooker. Cassi also lies and says she’s going to be a student in the fall and is not a model.

Twist Time

Julie beeps in and tells them about having to pair up. If you win HOH, the pair is safe, but instead of nominating two individuals, you have to nominate a pair, so the pair will be campaigning against each other. Interesting.

Keith immediately asks Porsche and she coyly agrees, it’s pretty gross.  As Dominic says, “Keith, you’re not picking a prom date.” On the other hand, it’d be easy to beat Porsche if you were on the block against her, so … there’s that.

Cassi and Shelly pair up and that’s cool. If Shelly can’t be with Kalia, I’d take Cassi/Shelly. So Dominic and Adam pair up and that leaves Kalia/Lawon, which is cool too. So my two least faves are paired, get Keith and Porsche out!

Kalia is not uber-pleased with getting Lawon by default, but hey, you should’ve spoken up sooner, lady. The second twist is now revealed when there is a doorbell. DUN DUN DUN.

In walk Rachel and Brendan and nobody looks happy at all. So now we have two VIP cocktail waitresses with giant boobs. Neat. They tell everyone they’re engaged and my boyfriend expresses surprise they are still together.

*ding dong* Jeff and Jordan are next. Ughhhh. So far I’m very disappointed at the pairs. I like Brendon, but Rachel is SO annoying. And Jeff and Jordan are super sweet, but we saw them go really far in the game. Jordan freaking won! I don’t want to watch them again.

So far the rumors are 2 for 2, so if the final couple is Dick and Danielle, I might throw a shoe through the TV.

And of course that’s who it is. And Danielle looks like Morticia Addams goes biker chick. Ughhhh, I hate them.

At this point, if I were a newbie, I’d be so pissed. Just off-the-charts mad that we have to play with these people. Dick immediately sounds like the idiot narcissist he is by proclaiming he’s the only winner there, except Jordan is there, dummy.

So, I’ve met Evel Dick and in person, he’s smart, articulate, nice and interesting. But his persona on this show makes me livid. He’s gross. He also says he and Danielle haven’t spoken in three years, but that might be a ploy, which Jeff thinks as well.

Dominic astutely says in a talking-head that the original eight have to stick together or they are dunzo. Yeah. If this turns into the “Big Brother” equivalent of “The Boston Rob Show” we just watched on “Survivor,” I’m going to be so irritated.

Head of Household

The first competition is Going Banas. Each pair has to hang on a giant banana as long as possible. The last person standing is the new HOH. Once they start getting pelted with chocolate, Shelly falls. She and Cassi decided they didn’t want to win anyway so as not to be seen as a threat.

The oldies are obviously hoping one of them wins, since the house is definitely divided – though I’m pretty sure Rachel hates Evel Dick, so maybe the oldies aren’t all that aligned. Jordan is out next, followed by Keith, Cassi, Lawon, Adam, Jeff, Dominic, Brendan, Kalia and Porsche. So Dick, Rachel and Danielle are the last three standing. I never thought I’d say this, but – go Rachel!

Rachel offers up their safety if they fall and Dick and Danielle go for it, so Rachel is the new HOH.

Twist Time II

Julie announces the final twist – when you’re nominated for eviction this summer, if you are the houseguest who survives the chopping block, you get the Big Brother Golden Key, which guarantees you a spot in the Top 10. Anyone in the first four weeks who survives eviction cannot be nominated until only 10 people remain in the house. They also will not participate in any competitions in that time.

Wow. That puts a HUGE twist on having a partner.

I am refraining from judging this too harshly so far, but I will say – I’d rather watch all-stars than see newbies versus oldies. Like I said before, I don’t want it to turn into the most boring “Big Brother” ever like Boston Rob on “Survivor” this year.

BUT – the twists really make the pairs adversarial, which is cool. So we’ll see how it goes. What say you, “Big Brother” fans?

Don’t forget to sign up for the live feeds so you don’t miss a moment of “Big Brother” this summer. But if you don’t have the feeds, check back in with Zap2it for all your updates. We’ll be back later tonight once the feeds and Showtime’s “Big Brother After Dark” start, so we can tell you all the shenanigans that have been happening since the houseguests entered the house.

Photo/Video credit: CBS