Movie Review: Immortals Not Much More Than Bloody, Shirtless 3-D Battle Porn

Review in a Hurry: Dear gods, it’s violent! Overblown spectacle Immortals plays fast and loose with Greek mythology in its muddled tale of warring mortals and vengeful gods. Audiences with a bloodlust can feast on all the carnage, but those hungry for some real emotion will be left craving more.

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The Bigger Picture: Following in the sandaled footsteps of 300 and Clash of the Titans, this effects-heavy epic is visually striking, from its cliff-side settings and blood-soaked battles to a huge cast of hunky, half-naked warriors. In fact, Immortals features enough oiled-up beefcake to fill several Men of Ancient Greece calendars. Unfortunately, these strapping figures and the ponderous drama surrounding them feel about as alive as Acropolis statues.

Mickey Rourke plays power-crazy King Hyperion, who pillages villages while searching for the legendary Epirius Bow. With that magical weapon, he could unleash the imprisoned Titans and conquer the Gods of Olympus and all mankind.

But hold on, Hyperion, there’s a new hero in town. Theseus (Henry Cavill), a bastard stonemason, who vows vengeance after seeing his mother murdered by the brutal despot. Embracing his destiny (but rarely a shirt), Theseus rallies a band of followers for the Final Battle to Save Humanity.

Yes, Immortals poses as something much loftier (it starts with a Socratic quote, after all), but it’s mostly an excuse to bathe in bloodletting. The impressive climax is an orgy of severed heads, spewing entrails and bodies shredded in sadistic slow motion.

Cavill, with his comes-and-goes accent, is an impressive physical specimen, so how could any virgin oracle resist? Certainly not Phaedra (Freida Pinto)—the lovely clairvoyant clearly sees a deflowering in her immediate future. Too bad someone didn’t foretell the failings of this stiff script, which doesn’t adequately dramatize Theseus as an archetypal hero.

Ironically, Hyperion is the more interesting character, and Rourke has a hammy blast, slurping on pomegranates and nuts when he’s not gouging eyes, roasting monks and priestesses alive or smashing a sycophant’s balls with a mallet. Ouch.

You may feel similarly gut-punched—and eye-gouged—after watching this 3-D battle porn.

The 180—a Second Opinion: The cool costume design includes a striking array of iron helmets fashioned after birds, bulls and sea creatures. Are those lobster claws on Mickey Rourke’s head?

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