Tom Felton, the New Billy Zabka

Tom Felton has an uncanny ability to play the d*ck. As Draco Malfoy, Felton successfully d*cked himself through eight full ‘Harry Potter’ movies, maintaining a rather shocking degree of believability throughout. This takes talent! When Felton filmed ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,’ he was only 12 years old. How many 12-year-olds do you look at and say, “Wow, that pre-teen is a real d*ck”? (If you’re in middle school, we realize the answer is “plenty,” but we’re talking to the adults in the class here.)

Now that the ‘Harry Potter’ franchise has (thank God sadly) run its course, conventional wisdom might declare that Felton would, maybe, play a nice guy? Maybe a dental student with a heart of gold? Nope. When Felton steps on-screen in ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes,’ it’s immediately apparent that he plans to outdo himself in the on-screen d*ckishness department. (He doesn’t just bully humans, he also bullies apes!) In fact, he appears to want more than that — he wants the all-time crown. That’s right, folks, we’re calling it: Tom Felton is the new Billy Zabka.

Actually, he may be better.

For almost 30 years, Billy Zabka has held the unofficial title of Best On-Screen Bully. Known for his role as Johnny Lawrence in the original ‘Karate Kid,’ Zabka is, to this day, the poster boy for d*ckishness. Not evil, mind you — just that certain, hard to pinpoint je ne sais quoi that has been lacking from cinema since Zabka’s reign ended.

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If Zabka had played Johnny Lawrence in eight films, his leg-sweeping, skeleton-costume-wearing shtick would have probably gotten a little stale. But instead of focusing on sequels (he was reduced to a cameo in ‘The Karate Kid 2’), Zabka spread his d*ckishness around, playing beady-eyed tormentors in ‘Just One of the Guys,’ ‘Back to School’ and kinda sorta in ‘National Lampoon’s European Vacation.’ Felton, for his part, has already doubled Zabka’s output — and he’s only 23 years old! We love his commitment to his craft. In ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2,’ Felton’s Draco gets the opportunity to redeem himself — and totally passes! Good for you, Felton.

For crying out loud, they even look the same — blond or dirty blond. We half expect a shocking exposé to reveal that Zabka, on a trip to England, sired Felton (checking to see what year ‘European Vacation’ was released …). Actually, screw it, the similarities are too close to ignore: Pending a DNA test, we’re going with the assumption that they are in fact related. And now, after Felton’s glorious coup de grace in ‘Apes,’ the son has, at last, passed the father. Long live our new King of the Movie D*cks: Tom Felton.

Photos courtesy of Sony, Warner Bros., Everett Collection, Fox.

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