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Whipped Cream and Lies: Which Bachelor Villain Made It Out of the Swamp?

All future seasons of The Bachelor should take place in New Orleans.

Thanks to the ghosts, the parades, the swamps, the gators, and the voodoo dolls, that was the most fun we’ve had with any episode all season, despite the result of that two-on-one. Plus, as Nick said, we can’t imagine a better place to fall in love.

First let’s deal with the swamp showdown. While Nick should have sent both Taylor and Corinne off to hang out with the gators, he somehow picked Corinne, and somehow, by the time he handed out the rose, that was the decision that made the most sense.  

Corinne’s been a nightmare for weeks, but she was only really a nightmare in front of us, for herself. She wasn’t hurting anyone else by just being her horrible self, and Taylor had no real reason to insert herself into Corinne’s upside down world of insanity.

Taylor just came off as a whiny child who was trying to win a fight she started against an evil toddler stuck in a grown woman’s body who can’t fathom the idea of losing. In the end, Nick was stuck in a swamp with two little girls he’s most definitely not going to marry, and he picked the one who was at least more fun and less determined to psychoanalyze everyone she meets.

I mean, Corinne made an actual voodoo doll of Taylor. That’s kind of fun, right?

Then, of course, there was a twist. Nick and Corinne were enjoying a nice post-swamp dinner when Taylor came waltzing in, apparently having walked all the way to their dinner cavern after being blessed by the voodoo expert Buddha priestess in the bayou, and declaring that he should have picked her, because she is a water sign, goddammit! 

We’ll obviously have to wait until next week to find out how that nightmare ends, but at least the rest of the episode was a whole lot of fun.

First, Nick took Rachel on a one-on-one, and it was the most fun we’ve seen him have, the most fun we’ve had, and the most we’ve liked him all season. He seems genuinely very into her, and we’re a little bit into both of them, but we’re also secretly hoping he doesn’t pick her so that she can be the next Bachelorette.

Together, they led a parade, happened upon a live band (obviously), and shared a dinner together where they both opened up.

As Rachel talked about her father (a judge!), Nick shared his fears about meeting families again, and yet again asking dads for their permission to marry their daughters. Putting aside the fact that this tradition is wildly outdated, it’s a valid point. He’s already asked two dads for their blessing, and it must be very daunting to think of asking more dads, especially when those dads know they’re not the first dads he’s talked to.

Anyway, it was all very sweet, and something tells us Rachel will go far.

Tonight also included a group date. All of the women except for Rachel, Corinne, and Taylor headed to a haunted plantation house to hang out with some ghosts. They learned (from a truly awful tour guide) that a young girl had died in the house, and that she left a creepy doll behind. They played with a Ouija board and generally had a great time freaking each other out. It wasn’t all that eventful, other than typical stuff like dolls disappearing and chandeliers falling from the ceiling, but it was fun.

Despite Raven declaring her love for Nick, Danielle M. was the recipient of the group date rose, which was nice because she’s been kind of flying under the radar a bit.

The tag—after the Corinne/Taylor swamp fiasco—included Nick chasing Alexis around in a Nicholas Cage (her greatest fear, remember) mask, and it was simultaneously adorable and scarier than anything in the haunted house, which jibes perfectly with our opinion of Alexis.

And somehow, we’re perfectly content to have that image of Nick in a Nicholas Cage mask be the last thing we see tonight. Sweet dreams, friends. 

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. 

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