The Shamelessly Gorgeous Leading Ladies of Adam Sandler

In a lot of ways, I’m very similar to Adam Sandler: we’re about the same age, we’re Jewish guys from the east coast, we both think we’re hilarious, we’re both weird, and we both have awesome taste in women. But whereas I am simply one lone film critic trying to find pleasures in films of any and all persuasions, Adam Sandler is a mega-wealthy movie star who has much better things to do than watch his own movies. That lucky bastard. It’s because I feel a close connection to Mr. Sandler that I can assume he wasn’t all that popular with the ladies as an adolescent. Oh sure, the girls all thought he was hilarious, and probably a Ducky-style “call me before you go to bed” confidante to some of the nicer girls — but I’m guessing he wasn’t all that huge of a ladies’ man before the bank trucks started pulling up to his house.

So my shallow but colorful assumption is simply this: no longer a gawky jew-froed teen with a loud mouth, and bolstered by his outrageously popular movie star status, Adam Sandler has now taken to casting himself opposite THE PRETTIEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD! Where else but in Happy Madison La-La Land would an obnoxious loudmouth like Adam Sandler be able to land this stunning roster of amazing women….

• Billy Madison (1995) — Bridgette Wilson! Very sexy but, fine, she could like dorks. (Real Life Likelihood: 45%)
• Happy Gilmore (1996) — Julie Bowen! She’s kicking ass on Modern Family these days, but even in ’96 she was way out of Sandler’s league (Real Life Likelihood: 35%)
• The Wedding Singer (1998) — Drew Barrymore! I have no problem buying Ms. Barrymore as a sweet girl-next-door type who makes out with the socially-awkward class clown … for about a weekend. (Real Life Likelihood: 48%)
• The Waterboy (1998) — Fairuza Balk! Kudos to Sandler for casting a non-traditional love interest, but in the real world this gal would blow smoke in his face. Sexily. (Real Life Likelihood: 29%)
• Big Daddy (1999) — Joey Lauren Adams! Adorable! Sweet! Pixie-ish! She’d dump him in a month. (Real Life Likelihood: 55%)
• Little Nicky (2000) — Patricia Arquette! Dear lord, I just remembered that this film exists. Let’s just move on.
• Mr. Deeds (2002) — Winona Ryder! Well, she has made out with Keanu Reeves and Christian Slater, so … (Real Life Likelihood: 81%)
• Anger Management (2003) — Marisa Tomei! Points for age-appropriateness. Negative points for realism. (Real Life Likelihood: 49%)
• 50 First Dates (2004) — Drew Barrymore! Again! It’s like she came back from college for winter break and, ack, hooked up with that neighborhood dweeb again! Stop doing that, Drew! (Real Life Likelihood: 49%)
• Click (2006) — Kate Beckinsale! What?!? (Real Life Likelihood: 00%)
• I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007) — Jessica Biel! You have got to be kidding me. (Real Life Likelihood: minus 27%)
• You Don’t Mess With the Zohan (2008) — Emmanuelle Chriqui! This is starting to get a little creepy now. Sandler casts his leading ladies with his groin. (Real Life Likelihood: 02%)
• Bedtime Stories (2008) — Keri Russell! That doe-eyed angel! This guy is shameless … although clearly he does have good taste in ladies. (Real Life Likelihood: 21%)
• Grown Ups (2010) — Salma Hayek! And he gets PAID for this! (Real Life Likelihood: negative infinity%)
• Just Go With It (2011) — Jennifer Aniston! In Hawaii no less! Actually, this pairing is great. Maybe they’ll move to Venus together. (Real Life Likelihood: 99%)
• Jack & Jill (2011) — Katie Holmes! I can smell the chemistry already.
• I Hate You, Dad (2012) — Not sure, but I do know that Leighton Meester is in it. Please let her be playing his daughter.

This rant has been brought to you by the Act Your Freaking Age Society, with funding provided by Sandler’s Mammoth Ego. This rants are made possible by childish millionaires, gorgeous actresses, and readers … like … you!