It’s time once again for the TV.com Curb Your Enthusiasm Feud Tracker, where we try to impose some sense and order upon the chaos that is Larry David’s life. And this week’s very special episode—all about breasts, black people and battery—provided plenty of overlapping and petty conflicts. Let’s get them straight!
THEM VS. LARRY
1. RICHARD LEWIS
Causes: Larry’s old friend Richard is dating a burlesque dancer with large breasts. He insists he likes her for her personality, but the other guys think it’s mainly about her rack. Larry, Jeff, and Marty check out her show, where Larry notices a suspicious mole on one of her breasts, and encourages her to have a doctor check it out. She does, and it’s benign, but while she’s at the office she decides to have a breast reduction. This angers Richard, who loved her breasts the way they were. He decides to throw a going-away party for her breasts, and tries to pick up some ice cream at the supermarket. There, a large, threatening woman who is a resident of a woman’s shelter near Larry’s house (more on that below) slams his hands in the freezer case.
Resolution: None. Richard is still really pissed about his girlfriend’s plans for a breast reduction at the end of the episode, and his hands are bandaged up so that he can’t even use them to touch her breasts while she still has them.
2. MAN WITH POWERBOOK
Causes: A man at the vegetarian restaurant where the guys have lunch (Curtis Armstrong, a.k.a Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) asks Larry to watch his laptop, which he does. But the guy takes a long time to return, so Larry asks another patron to keep an eye on it. The patron happens to be black. Larry is later confronted by the computer owner, who says the laptop was gone when he returned. When Larry tells him he left it with a black man, the computer owner begins react in a racist way—but then backpedals, realizing how bad it looks.
Resolution: He turns from angry to happy-go-lucky on a dime, having realized how racist he sounds. Societal expectations resolve this dispute for Larry.
3. SAFEHOUSE MARM
Causes: A woman consoling another crying woman at the supermarket refuses to move out of Larry’s way, even though they are blocking the ice cream case.
Resolution: Larry agrees to come over to the safehouse she oversees, which is just a few doors down from him, to apologize and offer a comforting male presence. That seems to put their differences behind them.
4. BATTERED WOMAN WHO LEAVES DOG POOP ON LARRY’S LAWN
Causes: Larry catches a dog-walker red-handed as she’s leaving her dog’s poop on his lawn. It turns out she is one of the residents of the safehouse. She insists Larry apologize to her dog for yelling at it. Larry responds that he won’t, because dogs “are stupid animals.”
Resolution: None. When she asks if Larry is the “motivational speaker” who was supposed to be paying a visit, Larry responds, “Oh my god. What happened to you?” in pretty much the least sympathetic way imaginable. These two hate each other.
5. DALE
Causes: Dale is the large resident of the safehouse who gives Larry a dirty look, leading Larry to observe, “Does she run the show?” He later offers to let her use his washing machine because the one at the safehouse is broken. Larry suspects that Dale isn’t in fact battered, and just uses the fancy safehouse as a nicer place to live. When he questions her about how she wound up at the shelter, she nearly hits him, causing Larry to fall backwards and get a shiner.
Resolution: None. Dale has some serious man-hating issues.
LARRY VS. THEM
1. LEON
Causes: After he admits that he gave the missing laptop to a black man, a disappointed Leon starts to rattle off all the personal information he knows about Larry—social security numbers, his mother’s maiden name, etc.—that he could have used to steal from him, but doesn’t. This causes Larry to wonder how he knows all that information, and deeply distrust the guy who took up residence in his house. Later, when being treated for his shiner, Larry and Leon get into what appears to be a very domestic squabble over petty cash, leading the doctor to assume that they are a couple, and that Leon gave him the shiner. This misunderstanding leads to the original computer-watching black guy to be arrested.
Resolution: Larry can’t help but wonder why he lets Leon freeload on his life. An impending breakup seems inevitable.
2. GUY AT BASKIN ROBBINS
Causes: Larry approaches a black man at an ice cream shop using a computer like the one he was supposed to watch. He quickly realizes this wasn’t the black man he left the computer with, leading the man to accuse him of thinking all black men look alike.
Resolution: None. This guy thinks Larry mistrusts all blacks, just like the dog-poop lady thinks he hates all women.
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+ Introducing the Curb Your Enthusiasm Larry David Feud Tracker
